aku hanya manusia

being a doctor in this era is a great challenge.
we have such a big competitor --> Mr. Google Who Knows It All had been a reference for everyone.
it is OK if my patients learn about family planning from Mr Who Knows It All.
sometimes i asked them, have you ever heard of family planning?.... or have you ever heard of eclampsia?
you will be amazed on how people never heard of family planning or how much they had learn via Google.
OK, that is awesome, actually.
but when they start to diagnose themselves with a weird diagnosis that didn't even exist in Malaysia, or when they prefer to meet bomoh instead of me, i am hurt.

hello, what is the use for me to study for five years and then learn from my specialist if all of you can easily be ME?

there is one girl who proudly claims that she knows more than doctors by just referring to the Internet.

KAU KALAU BELAJAR AGAMA DARI BUKU ATAU INTERNET TANPA BELAJAR DARI KELAS AGAMA, BOLEH SESAT TAK???

aku pun boleh je belajar macam mana nak pasang almari atau pasang lampu dari internet. tapi tak bermakna aku 'expert' dalam bidang tu. 

nak cakap tu fikir dulu boleh tak? kan aku dah marah ni... *cekak pinggang*

i hate stupid arrogant people. orang bodoh sombong memang menyakitkan hati.

ada satu insiden lain, dimana seorang ibu mengandung yang menghidap preeklampsia cakap dengan aku 'dokter, saya dah sihat. saya nak balik' dengan muka menyampah dan pandang ke arah berlawanan dengan aku. aku membelek 'observation chart' yang penuh dengan tulisan merah yang menandakan tekanan darah masih tinggi dan belum stabil
wanita bertudung labuh itu berkeras mahu pulang walaupun pelbagai nasihat aku berikan kepada beliau. tapi dia masih berkeras dan tak sudi pandang muka aku langsung.
HOW RUDE!!!
"encik, kalau bawa isteri encik balik, isteri encik ada risiko kena sawan yang boleh membahayakan nyawa. tekanan darah tinggi dan ada protein dalam urine berisiko untuk dapat sawan semasa mengandung. ada orang boleh meninggal disebabkan sawan tu" kataku kepada suami pesakit.
lelaki berjubah dan berserban itu marah kepadaku "Dokter, kuasa hidup mati bukan di tangan dokter. itu semua ketentuan ALLAH"
"saya bukan nak cakap saya ni TUHAN tapi, saya cakap isteri encik sekarang ni belum sihat sepenuhnya. tekanan darah masih tinggi. ada risiko boleh dapat sawan yang boleh menyebabkan kematian" tegasku. 
akhirnya, sebab dia nak jugak balik, pakar bagi dia AOR discharge (balik atas risiko sendiri/ at own risk)
"kalau dia tak sayang nyawa dia dan nyawa baby yang dia kandung, kenapa kita kena kisah?" kata pakar kepadaku..
"tapi semua nyawa pesakit penting, boss. takkan kita nak bagi dia balik walaupun kita tahu dia boleh dapat eklampsia bila2 je" balasku..
"kat hospital pun diaorg boleh dapat eklampsia atau baby tu boleh IUD (Intrauterine death). kita tak boleh paksa pesakit" jawab pakar.

masih banyak yang perlu aku belajar. 
masih banyak kesabaran yang perlu aku pupuk.

if i care too much, i will be hurt too.
but if i don't care, pity all of my patients.

but i am just a HUMAN.
kita hanya mampu berusaha, selebihnya terserah kepada ALLAH.

study? NO!!!!

it is not easy to be a doctor.
i had to admit it.
i enjoy working with patients.
i enjoy doing procedures.
but when too much referral i sometimes feel a bit stressed.
especially when people referred you things that you don't even know what to do.

someone asked me a lot of questions yesterday.
simple questions which i had learn but forgotten.

the truth is.....
i hate to study. i am not a person who likes to study.
for example, i have a book in front of me but i choose to blog instead.
i open a book for five seconds then i take my novel and read it for the tenth time.

i don't even know how i become a doctor!

"I am not going to tell you it's okay, you can go home and tell me the answer next week. No. You will become better with a gun pointed in your head. Am i right?" the person said cynically.
damn right you are.


i really should study now.
bye!

Should we really blame the mother?

I was looking at a bunch of girls singing and dancing happily.
The smallest one is perhaps only one and a half year old and was struggling to catch up with the other 2 girls with her small but quick baby steps.

The father was asking the mother something.
I was right next to the mother, who look at the girls and asked her husband "but what about the girls?"
Our gaze were transfixed to those girls.
"I can't decide" the mother said.
"Well, you need to decide now" the father said.
The mother was scratching her head while the father just stand there and let her decide by herself.
 I had no intention to eavesdrop, and I don't understand what they were talking about.
All I remember is that those girls are so happy that it is contagious!

After those girls are out of my view, I went back to my phone, 'facebook-ing' , a hobby that I was not too addicted as Instagram, but I was so bored that I just need to read something.
And then I saw Lola's name -again. There were articles that tells us her basic salary is RM 15++ and the comments followed are mostly rude and disrespectful.
Suddenly the thin-skeleton-like-boy's image, who everyone is talking about, appear in my mind.
I sighed.
Why on earth that there are too many bad mouthed malaysians?
I am glad that most of us still have humanity that we were so damn angry when we saw an image of Muhammad Firdaus in a dirty room with a cropped t- shirt.
OK, I agree that I am also furious.
Well, who doesn't?

But I don't even have a child.
I only have a 'Pou' which I have raised half way, then it makes me annoyed when he makes a sound while I was doing rounds. "Oh crap, now everyone knows that my pou is hungry" *sigh*

My point is that I had never raise a child with my own hands.
I can imagine how hard it is for a single mother to raise her children.
Yes, it is wrong of her to lock that child and left him unkempt.
BUT LET US PUT OURSELVES IN HER SHOE FOR A MINUTE AND THINK.
Are we strong enough to handle a gifted child like that?
If ALLAH give us a mentally or physically handicap child, will you take care of the child with all your heart?
.
.
.
.
.
If your answer is YES, then ALHAMDULILLAH :)
May our concern and humanity stays with us. AMIN. 

Anyway, after a few weeks, this issue will just dissolved. Those people who cursed will forget the whole t.hing and do nothing.
Just like we forgot that MH370 is still missing.
We also forgot that newspapers still haven't make an apology regarding their disrespectful article of my ex colleague who had passed away in Alor Gajah Hospital while on call.
(p.s. I remember him asking me why I was always mad at him. At that time I didn't know that he had a medical problem. I am sorry M***.)

Last but not least, I hope that the mother of three, Wardina, will reactivate her Instagram account again. I think she deactivate it just because she had mentioned that overseas government are more pro active in helping OKU's parents (which might be true).

Stop blaming each other, Malaysians. Focus on the problem, please.
Ask yourself, what can I do to help?

Let's make the world a better place, OK?
Now this is what not only doctor's can heal.

the tale of a tiger who wish to repent

Hye. it had been almost six months I left my blog untouched. 
work had been hectic and tiring. not just physically, but mentally as well.

you see, when you are a house officer, you just do what you are told to do.
but as a responsible medical officer in a surgical department, you need to:
1. re-clerk a patient's history
2. examine patient
3. think of a plan before patient is seen by a surgeon
4. guess whether a patient need a surgery or not (decision of operation can only be made by a surgeon, but you need to know what type of pt that need to be operated now, urgently, emergency or elective, or even may not need operation at all.
5. prepare patient for procedures or operation (ensure blood is taken, imaging etc)
6. do procedures (chest tube, pleural tapping, peritoneal tapping, central line insertions, intubating, cystofix, change ETT, .........)
7. teach houseman (sometimes u even had to teach them the most basic thing, but first posters sometimes had to be taught from A to Z).
8. when a patient collapse, you had to act as a team leader and conduct the resuscitation.
9. see patient in clinic and discuss with  either surgeon, radiologist or even pathologist regarding your patient (today one radiologist asked me to sit next to her and I am amazed of how humble she was when we discuss about a patient. she definitely had changed my previous perception of her!)
10. assist specialist operating. when I was a houseman I don't have any idea what my specialist is doing. Now I need to know the steps, the anatomy, instruments, close wounds and write the operation findings and steps. can I just go back into being a HO and just retract the wound, please?
11. refer cases. some people may scold you when you refer a case, but i hold on to what my boss said "some people may scold u but at least you do what your specialist asked you to do or what you think can help the patient" and "if you did not know how to manage, just refer!"

and many more...

truthfully, I still need to learn a lot.
sometimes i feel inadequate when i can't make a decision like my boss did. 
but then again, they are a specialist with lots of experience. 
their amazing skills makes me inferior.
and though I did not want to be a surgeon, i did feel comfortable in this department.
though my boss keep on asking me why I did not want to be a surgeon, and my answer is always the same "it is too difficult and the scope are too wide, la boss. I don't think I can be a surgeon"

Honestly, I am not a good doctor.
I pray every single morning that I won't scold houseman so much. 
I used to hate MO who are so damn impatient and always raise their voices. 
but it seems that I am becoming one of them too *sigh*
I even tear up a piece of paper and criticize my housemans. 
once, one houseman walk slowly in front of me like I am a tiger and I said to him "I know that I am so scary but I didn't eat human, OK?". then both of us laugh but he laugh so cowardly and said that I am indeed a scary MO.
oh my. what had I become?

my boss said that we were trained that way, and it is not our fault  to be like that.
I keep on telling myself that if I did not scold my HO they will not learn and thus will do a bad thing to our patients. but not all of them are bad, ok? some are reliable and may even tell me if I am wrong.

I may not be a good teacher. I may yell, scold and condemn HO. I know that I was once a HO too so I definitely know how they feel when they were scolded.

so to all housemans out there, forgive me for being impatient. forgive me for shouting at you in front of patients. forgive me for being so damn agitated.

we work for the sake of our patient. so let's strive to do more, okay?

p.s. I am leaving surgical department soon. finally I am free from my one year bond (which is exactly one year and 4months). Yay ! \(^o^)/

Hopefully I can pursue my dream at a new place and new environment. I am looking forward to a less stressful place so that I can be a better person and more skilled in my favorite department (which is definitely not surgical. I wonder how can someone be a surgeon. so many anatomies. so many regions. so many skills. wow. definitely not for me)

you can see that I have lot's of respect to surgeons, eyh?
yup, salute to surgeons. their work are simply amazing.

One day a patient was screaming, rolling on bed, that she even need a PCA fentanyl. The next day after a successful operation, she smiled happily and even request to go home!

A near death bleeding patient survived after a lengthy operation.

A patient who had underwent 4 major operations and was in ICU for many months, makes me shocked when he speaks and he can even walk home. (even  the GA MOs were shocked when I told them about the patient's progress!)

My uncle who was intubated due to respiratory distress, noted had a perforated diverticulum, operated, complicated with a wound breakdown, suffered a stroke as a post operation complication, is now working again and able to support his family.

Lots of cancer patients live like normal person after operation and chemotherapy.

A patient with sepsis so bad and she was so weak that we had inform D.I.L (death in line) to her family, is now pulling my bag when I was examining the patient next to her and showing me her black teeth and blabbing happily  (she is a psychiatric patient).

Those are only some of amazing things I have seen personally in this department.
Luckily, no  one who we said might be dying but somehow had survived, did not sue us.
ahaks.

I love my job. as crazy hectic depressing tiring as it is, this is my job, and I enjoy doing what I did =) 

HANYA Doktor Wanita di WAD&BILIK BERSALIN? Mampukah kita?

Tadi saya membaca link ini https://www.facebook.com/laborroom sebab rasa ingin tahu yang meluap- luap setelah membaca komen kawan sekerja. Tapi malangnya, saya tidak mampu untuk membaca semua komen- komen di situ. Bagi saya, semua orang saling menghentam dan tidak berfikiran terbuka.

Marilah kita semua berbincang mengenai hal ini baik- baik. Duduk semeja, menghadap masing- masing dan tidak meninggikan suara. Boleh tak?

1. Pada pandangan saya, wanita- wanita yang memohon aurat dijaga di kamar bersalin itu adalah mustahil. Sebab wanita dengan wanita pun ada auratnya kan? Jadi kalau nak jaga aurat, boleh tak kami ajar suami puan- puan dan suruh dia yang lahirkan anak kalian?

2. Kenapa aurat di kamar pembedahan tidak dipertikaikan? Tapi kalau aurat di kamar bedah dipertikaikan, macam mana nak memastikan 'sterility' dan kebersihan?

3. Apalah agaknya nasib pakar O&G lelaki kalau anda hanya mahukan perempuan. Penat2 belajar jadi pakar, akhirnya di'reject' di negara yang katanyya kekurangan pakar. Haish. Kesian.

4. Saya bekerja di bahagian pembedahan dan pesakit saya banyak lelaki. Kadang- kadang, saya juga terpaksa memeriksa alat sulit lelaki. Adakah setelah ini saya akan di'ban' dari wad lelaki?

5. Saya pasti kebanyakan dokter adalah profesional. Kami tidak pernah berbincang mengenai aurat pesakit. Trust me, we are so busy with our work to gossip about your 'aurat'.

6. Kalau dokter lelaki tidak diberi peluang untuk belajar, macam mana kalau nanti di 'district' yang kadang- kadang hanya ada dokter lelaki sahaja? Padahal 'aim' kita adalah untuk mengurangkan 'maternal death?'. Kalau 'emergency' macam mana? Nak tunggu dokter perempuan datang baru nak bersalin?

7. Tolong jangan memaksa kami bekerja lebih dari dokter lelaki. Contohnya dalam senario di klinik payudara minggu lepas:

Suatu hari, hanya ada dua dokter wanita dan enam dokter lelaki. Ramai pesakit meminta dokter wanita untuk memeriksa mereka.
Apabila melihat kawan saya yang lelaki menyanyi sambil goyang kaki, saya jadi 'stress' sebab pesakit masih ada tetapi hanya mahukan dokter wanita sahaja.
Hal ini membuatkan sahabat saya yang perempuan yang 'postcall', tidak tidur dari semalam menjadi bertambah 'stress'.  "Kan boleh staff nurse perempuan 'chaperone!" ujarnya.
Akhirnya sahabat saya memberi cadangan agar dokter lelaki tersebut berjumpa pesakit tersebut tetapi dokter perempuan yang memeriksanya.
Bunyi macam mudah. Tetapi untuk memeriksa pesakit kami juga perlu mengetahui 'findings' dan pemeriksaan sebelumnya. Kerja dua kali ini membuat klinik berjalan agak lambat.
Jadi, tolong jangan bising kalau terpaksa menunggu lama di klinik kami, ya.

8. Ramai sahabat saya yang telah berumah tangga stress kerana kurang masa bersama keluarga. Menurut pandangan saya, permintaan anda hanya akan menambah beban kerja dokter wanita.

9. Saya bekerja di wad pembedahan wanita. Setiap kali memeriksa pesakit, kami akan menutup tirai dan menyuruh pelawat untuk keluar wad. Jadi, pelawat harus memahami dan menghormati waktu melawat. Tidakkah anda melihat kami berusaha untuk menjaga aurat pesakit?

Setiap orang ada pandangan berbeza. Tetapi anda harus faham kenapa banyak dokter tidak menyokong petition anda.Ramai juga dokter yang marah dan berkata "Kalau nak pilih, pergilah 'private hospital!".
Bukan apa, kebanyakan pesakit sibuk mengatakan tentang hak pengguna dan marah kerana terpaksa menunggu lama. Padahal kadang- kadang saya nak 'lunch' pun tak sempat. Breakfast pun memang dah selalu 'skip'. Nak pergi bilik air pun kena tahan sekejap sebab kesian pesakit menunggu lama.
Tapi pesakit marah- marah kami tanya bila giliran diperiksa.
Tolonglah. Bukannya saya buat kerja sambil lewa.

OK, mungkin hujah yang terakhir dah 'off topic', tapi rasa penat dengar orang asyik 'complaint' dan 'complaint' dan 'complaint'.
Can you put yourself in our shoes for one day? I bet you can't even stand for one hour.

you are my drugs (ARHJ Part 69)

dear you,

do you remember,

that i always say that you are my piriton? 1

*seriously, i mean it*

it's amazing how your voice can easily lift up my weariness 

and makes me sleep like a baby.

and you know what?

you are my paracetamol too.2

it's the simplest and safest drug of all, 

yet effective to relieve my headache!

 

hmmm... can i say that you are my pethidine? 3

you make my pain go away with just a little bit injection of encouragement, 

and i adore you for that!

when my left chest hurts cuz i miss you so much, 

you take the pain away just like a sublingual GTN. 4

when stress makes the acid in my stomach increases,

you gives me lovely butterflies,5

just like how MMT syrup neutralize gastric juices.6

 

and, last but not least, you are my gengigel.

when life bits me so hard that it gives me an ulcer, 

you coat it with your warmth and love.

truthfully,

i don't think i need any drugs anymore *chuckles*

cuz i only want to prescribe you in my life...

the one and only ^^

footnotes:
1. piriton usually prescribes for flu or itchiness. but it can cause sleepiness.
2. well, who doesn't know paracetamol , right?
3. pethidine is an opioid, a very effective analgesic (pain killer). 
4. GTN = glyceryl trinitrate. the quick relieve of angina.
5. not sure whether this is a good effect or not. ehe~
6. MMT= Magnesium Tricilicate.

nasihat untuk medical student

"dokter, nanti saya nak jadi pakar sakit puan" ujar seorang pesakit berusia 15 tahun kepadaku.

puas aku menahan diri untuk memberi komen negatif.

"ok, kalau macam tu awak kene rajin, ok?" nasihatku.

kepada adik2 yang berminat untuk menjadi dokter, tolong (tolong sangat2) persiapkan mental dari awal.

jangan pernah memandang dokter adalah kerjaya yang glamour.

mungkin sering anda mendengar nasihat sedemikian.

sebab itu adalah hakikatnya.

kadang2 rasa kecewa melihat kawan2 dokter yang berhenti atau 'drifting' gara2 MLM (MultiLevel Marketing). 

sampai ada yang berkata kepadaku "tukang sapu sampah lagi hebat dari awak. gaji dia lagi banyak tau".

ok, bukan nak merendahkan taraf sesiapa. tapi penat aku belajar 5 tahun 6 bulan demi segulung ijazah!

dia pulak boleh suka2 nak label orang? huh!

kawan2, tolong lah betulkan niat --> "aku jadi dokter bukan untuk kaya!"

oh ya.

kalau jadi dokter sebab niat nak tolong orang.

tolong lah fikir balik.

kalau ada orang tua nak melintas, sesiapa pun boleh tolong, kan?

kalau ada orang mengandung berdiri dalam bas atau LRT, sesiapa pun boleh tolong, kan?

kalau jadi dokter, sampai ke tua pun harus dan wajib belajar.

segulung ijazah tidak menentukan apa2.

ibarat mendapat lesen kereta.

adakah itu menjamin anda tidak akan mendapat kemalangan?

sudah tentu tidak, bukan?

jadi, kenapa nak jadi dokter?

aku sedih melihat orang yang jadi dokter tapi ada ilmu ghaib (pandai menghilangkan diri).

untunglah bukan semua orang macam ni.

kalau tak haru biru hospital jadinya.

kepada medical students atau houseman (cewah, macam la aku ni dah senior sangat), contohilah pakar2 yang rajin, attitude bagus (contohnya saling menghormati) dan pandai. 

pengalaman mereka banyak. kadang2 nak sedut dan cerna ilmu mereka agak susah (sebab aku rasa banyak sangat yang tak tahu).

bila dah jadi MO, rasa malas nak belajar tu sangatlah besar.

sekarang tengah sibuk memaksa diri untuk kembali menelaah.

suatu hari, ada seorang pakar berkata kepadaku yang dia sudah putus asa untuk mengajar kami.

katanya sebab kalau masuk telinga kanan, keluar telinga kiri tidak mengapa. ada jugak lekat di kepala walaupun sekejap. ini masuk telinga kanan pun tidak!

(lepas tu boleh pulak ada seorang houseman menyampuk, "eh, masuk je")

ades....

jadi, jom kita buka buku sekarang! ^^

wanna be a doctor? think carefully!

the most common thing that happen when you are working in a hospital is that people will start fighting to take leave.
as usual, being single and living with parents gave me no reason to take extra holidays. 
plus, i don't have any grandparents anymore. sigh~

i met my friend yesterday and she asked me whether i feel regret being a doctor.
truthfully, no matter how busy i am, no matter how bad i was scolded by my boss, no matter how bad my patients treated me, no matter how disrespectful some nurses can be and no matter if i had to work on festive days, I DID NOT REGRET of my choice to be a doctor. 

you know what? my CGPA in Matriculation did not exceed 3.6, and i remember the doctor who did my medical checkup few years ago was not satisfied that her niece with much better grade than me did not have the chance to be a doctor.
i had fight on my way to get here, and i am not giving up now!
few years ago, after realizing that i have no chance to study medicine in Malaysia, i seek opportunities elsewhere.
never mind if i had to study in Indonesia.
never mind if i can only get JPA's loan (which end up making me stuck in government hospital for 10 years. not that i wanna go to private. i don't really mind about it, actually. ehe~)

so here i am. 
i had to admit that my journey wasn't a smooth one.
with nerve wrecking and heart breaking relationships, and sometimes financial difficulties, i manage to survive.

when i do locum, people tend to say, "wow doctor. u are so young!"
ok, i am not that young. i'm 26 already. 
but i admit that i am still young in a medical world. I still have much much more to learn. 
and when i sign up for medicine course, it means that i am signing up for a life long learning.

so to those who are still undecided for their future, think before you choose this career.
if you want to be rich, be a businessman. I've met some doctors who had resign for some MLM (Multi Level Marketing) business.

 it is so damn useless to be a doctor without a passion.
because instead of treating people, you might end up being a killer.
now that i've become a Medical Officer, i had to be responsible in every action and order that i make. 
when i am not sure, it is not wise to just guess. 
when someone condition deteriorates, instead of following orders (that's what most of house officer do), i found myself thinking hard of what i should do or should have done to help that person. 
when i had to break a bad news to my patient, for example informing them that they have a cancer, and what are the possible options available, i fight so hard not to cry. (i did cry once, in front of a 30 years old single mother with a breast cancer who refuse operation, and almost cried when a tough looking 18 year old boy cried in front of me after i told him politely that he have a testicular cancer that have metastases to lymph nodes and his lungs)

seriously, this job is tough and need a lot of social skills, right?
 

bubly bablings

being a medical officer is not easy.
as a houseman you can always 'hide' behind your MOs.
anything you are not sure you can just inform MO and write "Dr. X noted" just to save your ass in case something bad happens.
but now, being the one who receive the call and the one who had to decide, my life is not getting easier at all!

my boss said to me "Ainul, it's not about seniority. never mind whether you have been MO for a year, or 5 years or more. it is all about competency."
but actually, i still think that experience still plays important part in medical field. 
my seniors helps a lot, even senior nurses plays important role.
because when i graduate, doesn't mean that i know everything that it takes to be a doctor.
in fact, sometimes i feel so stupid.
even as a medical officer i am still learning.

sometimes, i was scolded when i refer case to my colleagues. there was even a time when i refuse to refer because i am so afraid of being scolded. but one specialist said to me "just refer even if they scold you. at least you have done your job." so if they become mad at me and refuse to come and see patient, what the heck. i can fire back by saying "oh, ok. then i'll just write in the case sheet that you cannot see this patient, ok?" (don't worry, they will nag and scream but they still had to see the patient and that is the most important part. ehe~)

dealing with colleagues may be hard but dealing with patient can also drain my energy.
"how come i got cancer? i got no pain. i am perfectly healthy. how can you say that i got cancer?" said a man to me. trust me, a patient in denial phase is not easy to deal with. this is why soft skill is so damn important! 
there was once where i cry in a clinic in front of a 30 years old woman, who was divorced and currently living with her mother and her child.  she was diagnosed with breast cancer, but refused for operation and chemotherapy. oh my. how does she expect to live with her cancer without treatment? 
i always said to breast cancer survivors " wow, looking at you, no one can ever guess that you are a cancer survivor". i am not lying. many women had survived mastectomy and chemo, and radiotherapy. i've seen them walking proudly. that is why there is nothing that upset me more than patients who went to look for some traditional medication till the cancer spreads and there is nothing can be done anymore. hiks. 

phew. when it comes to doing what's right for the patient, even a simple decision plays a major part. one single mistake can jeopardize not only a single human's life, because when someone died, they may left their spouse and kids behind. when a patient die, we had to deal with the living ones that have lost their loved ones. and let me tell you, breaking the bad news, whether telling someone that they had just been diagnosed with cancer, or their family had passed away, never gets easier even with experience.

there is not a single day that went by without me wishing to be a better doctor. but now i think i need a good night sleep.
*yawning*
zzzzzzzzzzzzzz

no more Doraemon's pocket!

hye. 
i think i miss out telling the whole world about one of my most important life changing event.
i am not a house officer (HO) anymore!!!
i guess i was too disappointed that i refuse to blog about it.
i request to be an Obstetric and Gynecology (OnG) Medical Officer (MO) and had been accepted.
i was so excited at that time.
until one month after the placement meeting, i got another letter 'forcing' me to serve in Surgical department as they did not have enough MO.
at first i was devastated.
i had even think of taking MRCOG and had planned with my friends to study and learn together in the department.
and i was so excited to deliver babies!!

so here i am.
since 1st of March 2013 (what a nice date 1/3/13), i am officially a surgical MO.
but i am in ACCEPTANCE phase now.
i will try to learn and gather knowledge and still try my best to be a good doctor.
(yeah, and my bf is so busy delivering babies now. sometimes when i call him i can hear babies cry in the background. which makes me so damn jealous of him and i feel like shouting "huwaaaaa nak jadi MO OnG! T.T").

being MO is so much different than being a HO.
the workload is lighter but the responsibilities is not.
i found myself scratching my head in clinic.
thankfully all of the seniors are so helpful. 
and i found myself studying!
which is kinda amazing for me cuz i study only when exam is near due to my short term memory.

i haven't start my on call yet.
oh my.
it's been a year since my last on call (previously HO also have on call before they change it into shift system).
i hope i can survive.

oh ya.
regarding the title of this post.
i used to love my white coat.
i put almost everything there.
my stethoscope. 
my chop. 
my pens. 
my penlight. 
micropore. 
stapler. 
money. 
handphone. 
car key.
 dat's why i call it my Doraemon's pocket.
i can even put a tuna sandwich and Ribena mobile pack inside those pockets.
but most of MO did not wear white coat.
i never know why.
but i follow majority.
huhu...
i'll be missing my pockets soon, i think..
but my new cute Carlo Rino bag seems to fit the purpose for the time being.
although it means no more sneaking sandwich and ribena anymore. he~

i used to look forward being MO cuz i thought i may say goodbye to log book.
but i just learn that even specialist have log books to fill up.
owh.
okay.
minus one point.

but i like that i now how proper meal time and weekend off except when on call.
and after 5pm i can join the aerobic team and burn more fat.
now i feel like a normal human being.
huhu~

wish me luck ^.^
 

how did i lose 10kg in 4 months?

hye

so what's with woman and weight?

yeah.

both started with a 'W' but most of us are not comfortable discussing it.

but since two days ago, a lot of people ask me the same question "how much have u lost?" (referring to my weight)

well, working in Emergency Department kinda 'secluded' me from other colleagues from other department in the hospital cuz i just stay in the ED.

so when i'm back to the 'outer' world, people started to see me again and was astonished.

believe me. i couldn't even button up my white coat before this!

this was when i was almost 70kg

so how did i lose 10kgs in 4 months?

truthfully, it was not EASY!

i've been wearing PB for 7 months but i only started to lose weight on the 3rd months due to my lifestyle change.

so, here's some tips for you.

1. so lazy to work out? just walk!!!

working in ED makes me walks A LOT!! 

thus those 4 months in ED i get three in one : knowledge, skills and exercise.

 awesome!!

 i also love to walk at the park.

everyone knows that rabbit never win the race

walking is never dull or boring at Taman Botanikal Melaka. especially with this life size crocodile statues

yes!!!

 i don't like to jog. i prefer to aerobic at stadium tun fatimah.

don't feel ashamed.

when u lose weight other people you will be the one laughing. hahaha *evil laugh*

2. how to lose weight without saying goodbye to chocolate?

one sister nicknamed me "chocolate doctor" as i always ate chocolate during lunch hour.

i was a first poster at that time and was so damn busy.

due the lack of time, a bar of choc is the only thing that i can eat.

but now i had started to substitute chocolate with yogurt.

my fav. nyummyy

i still buy chocolate sometimes. but i share it with others.

i used to gobble the whole bar alone. kihkihkih

when u share with others, u eat less chocolate and you friend will love u more (or not?)

3. i don't want to give up rice!!!

yeah. dat's me. life without rice is 'unthinkable'.

i'm a truly asian. how to live without rice?

last week i go to the canteen and the staff there said 'eh, lama tak nampak doktor'.

so i ask for 'nasi setengah'. but i can't finish it all.

i used to clean up my plate. (tulang pun kadang2 makan.. errrr....)

now i realize that i now i only eat one quarter of my usual portion of rice!!

thankfully, my Premium Beautiful corset really helps a lot to reduce my hunger =)

i've tried meal substitute juice but i hate the taste and i am quite paranoid about the side effects to my kidney (no evidence here but i've seen a 15 year old girl with end stage renal failure due to slimming product)

before

after

oh my..

look at the time.

i could spend a whole day talking about this issue.

we'll gossip again later.

byeeeee~

now i had began to like my reflection =)

the bitter truth of life

suatu hari, saat aku sedang memeriksa seorang lelaki berusia 30-an yang penuh berlumuran darah, seorang wanita datang menerpa. 

matanya terbuntang luas melihat darah dan muntah pada pesakit tersebut.

i have a strong feeling that she is the wife

"puan, sila tunggu di luar sebentar ya. nanti setelah periksa, saya panggil puan" ujarku.

dia meluru keluar dengan tangisan, membuat aku serba salah.

setelah pesakit dan persekitaran dibersihkan, si isteri masuk lagi ke ruang rawatan.

aku memberitahu keadaan suaminya agak kritikal. 

kesedarannya menurun dan perlu CT brain.

secara klinikal, aku pasti suaminya mempunyai perdarahan di otak.

"bagaimana keadaan suami saya dokter? stabil ke tak?" soalnya penuh harapan.

aku dan dokter lain berpandangan...

"tak" jawab kami sambil menggeleng kepala.

the bitter truth is much better than giving false hopes.

"then we'll just hope for the best, lah" kata dia.

setelah CT brain 'confrim' ada perdarahan, aku terasa lemah seluruh badan.

ini bukan kali pertama melihat kes sebegini.

tapi entah kenapa tangisan wanita itu berbeza.

aku seperti dapat melihat sinar cinta yang sangat jelas di mata beliau.

life can be cruel sometimes.

semoga wanita itu kuat menghadapi dugaan yang diberikan kepadanya.

AMIN.

*kadang-kadang, aku bersyukur aku memakai 'mask' sewaktu bekerja. selain dapat mengelakkan aku merasa loya dengan bau muntah dan bau lain2, dan mengelakkan penyebaran kuman melalui udara, ia juga dapat mengelakkan orang lain melihat air mataku yang mengalir saat melihat peristiwa sebegini*

Y.E.S. and yes!

hye!

semalam pergi dating dengan yad.

and i fell in love instantly with this cute 4 owls!

siap ada free gift bantal kuning dan pen  ^.^

comel kan, kan?

sebenarnya keempat2 burung hantu ini adalah 'hand cream'

lepas tu dapat free calendar yang sangat girlish

every item buy one free one in Etude House now..

oh, saya sangat suka YES (Year End Sale)!

balik rumah je, bagi mama yang warna kuning, Aizza ambil warna hijau, dan sy mestilah nak yang warna pink!

Alip golip sibuk nak jugak jadi dia ambil warna biru...

huhu..

ini gaya makcik rambut besar, kata Alip

oh ya, sekarang dah duduk dengan family memang best.

antaranya best sebab ada orang teman saya jogging dan main di playground di Stadium Tun Fatimah

kenapa Alip harus interframe gambar saya!! oh tidakkk!!!!

Alhamdulillah, my life is more organized and happy now.

kotak terakhir baru habis kemas malam tadi.. huhu~

and guess what?

Isnin ni list MO akan keluar!

oh, macam tak percaya dah nak habis housemanship! 

lepas ni kat manalah dokter Ainul yang berjam merah dan stetoskop merah 'tercampak' ye?

hopefully saya akan jadi MO OnG!

Aminnn~

 

work work and work!

hye...
lama tak berceloteh pasal kerja.
the truth is, Emergency Department (ED) super duper sibuk!
balik kerja tidur, lepas tu kerja balik.
sampai demam2 dah saya ni...
hiks..
pernah satu shift malam tu ada 9 kali CPR!
sakit gila pinggang menekan dada patient.
bukan nak mengeluh, tapi kadang2 rasa macam nak menangis sebab penat sangat (dah menangis dah pun)
ok.
saya memang cengeng.
rasa kene kuatkan stamina kalau nak duduk ED nih.
semangat pun kene kuat.
memang mencabar.
tapi menarik sebab dapat banyak skill.
dapat buat banyak prosedur seperti Central Venous Line, Intubation, chest tube (saya pernah pasang chest tube pada pesakit yang sedang di CPR... awesome tak?) dan short line.
dulu masa kat department lain tak pernah dapat peluang untuk buat semua tu.
*maaf terlalu banyak medical term. tak larat nak explain semua. sila google sendiri ye*
setiap kali habis kerja, badan rasa macam kene pukul bertubi2.
huuu~
lagipun rumah tak habis kemas lagi.
FYI, i just moved in with my family in Melaka.
finally my parents are staying in Melaka.
wohoo!

ok, i need to rest again.
my body's temperature is still spiking and i'm working double shifts tomorrow.
huwaaa~

oh pink, i'm in lovee

my BB had been naked bare since few months ago.

no casing.

no flip cover.

nothing!

until one day...

 the back cover slipped out after a tremendous fall..

*thump*

so i go 'case hunting' or 'cover hunting' (or whatever u call it).

it's hard to find beautiful cover for Blackberry Torch cuz all available are the plain ones, which is so damn boring.

so i didn't put any hig hopes.

 but look what i have found!

this Hello Kitty case is so damn awesome that i just need to blog about it.

and it's pink!

oh my...

i fell in love with her instantly!

and since i love to wear pink at work, it matches my outfit and lift up my mood ^^

yeah, i'm a girl who loves adorable cute things.

and it's just me.

i can't help it

the cover feels good on my palm that i just wanna touch it all the time..

i can't explain why.

but it's true!

err ape tujuan tauk gbr bnyk2 pakai white coat n baju kurung pink ni? ahhh pedulila. lalalala~

please don't get me wrong.
i know u guys are using i phones and cute casings are everywhere.
i've been using my Torchie since i bought it with my 1st salary about one and a half year ago and i have never, i repeat, i never found any cover other than plain ones.
and that's the reason why i was jealous of the i phone user (pls note the past tense :was)
but i will never convert to use i phone.
ever!
blackberry (or should  i say white berry since my Torchie is white?) is always my number one choice!
^^

oklah...

i'm working tonight.

byee~

p.s. in case u r wondering. 

yeah. i memang pakai shawl lilit2 g kerja. 

and it only takes me less than 5 minutes to wear it..