a secret i wish no one knows

today, i realize that the thumping thing inside my ribcage is still bleeding slowly... so slow that i did not know it never heals. it hurts my soul and signals my eyes to well with tears. i feel something deep... so deep that it slits the muscle of my heart.
I've felt this before.... but i thought it had gone... i thought i have treated it by busying my life with chores and books..
but yet the pain come again...
and i had to write this to let it out,
so that i can continue focusing on my study
because tomorrow a brilliant professor will test my knowledge about Internal Medicine...
and i had to be very polite yet intelligent to pass the exam.
yeah, i must do my best tomorrow.....
but sometimes..
as i sat alone in my room....
or as i read the story of lovely couples enjoying every moment they were together....
the ache fills the chamber of my heart again....
and a question that did not have any answer buzz my cerebrum sooooooooooo much that i feel like i wanna open up my skull and find the place in my brain that contain the memory of him to scrub it away...
i wonder...
WHY, OH WHY?
it is very hard....
to forget him?

testing

Hrmmm...

kasih ibu

kadang,
kata2 agak kudung
untuk mengungkapkan sesuatu yang indah.
makanya,
aku persembahkan lirik lagu 'Kasih Ibu'
dan cebisan memori aku dan Mama
untuk berbicara
mengenai insan yang sangat kucintai ini

Kasih ibu,
kepada beta

tak terhingga sepanjang masa
*courtesy of LirikLaguIndonesia.net
Hanya memberi,
tak harap kembali,
Bagai sang surya,
menyinari dunia.

harusnya ini dipost saat Hari Ibu yang lalu, betul x? hrmmm tp mase hari ibu aku cuma hantar sms..... sigh...... dan yang membuat aku terfikir untuk menulis ini adalah kerana insidens berikut.
malam minggu lalu, saat jaga UGD a.k.a ER, ada seorang pesakit yang masuk ke rumah sakit sendiri!!!!!!!!!!
suatu hal yang agak susah, kerana tiada siapa yang boleh ambilkan ubat, menguruskan jaminan, bawa dia ke toilet dan membelikan makanan untuk dia. sangat kasihan......
apabila kami menelefon anaknya, antara kata2 anaknya ialah;
'biarlah dia di situ',
'argh, dia hanya mahukan perhatian',
dan
'begini dokter, dia hanya demam kerana tidak pernah mandi'
ASTAGFIRULLAHALAZIM!
teganya hati perempuan itu membiarkan orang tuanya yang telah bersusah payah membesarkan dia menderita sendirian di Rumah Sakit!
lebih malang, pesakit itu terjatuh saat tidur, hingga kepala dan bahunya bengkak. wajah tuanya sayu melihat kami, yang dalam kesibukan mengurus pesakit lain, masih sempat menghulurkan tangan untuk membantu tubuh kerdilnya yang sudah lemah sekali......

aku 'post' entry ini sebagai peringatan kepada kalian dan juga untuk aku sendiri,
ingatlah,
apapun terjadi, janganlah sesekali melukai hati kedua ibubapa
''Ya ALLAH, jauhkanlah kami dari menderhakai ibubapa kami......''
aminnn.

he's da one

today, as i look at the calendar, a flashback of images flood my brain.....
i saw an image of me, standing between the front seats of babah's red Lancer, looking to a small creature on mama's lap. me and babah had come to the hospital to pick u and mama. that time, i looked at the hospital, and then i looked at you. then, i asked mama "did u take it from there?" with an innocent look while my finger showing to da hospital.
yeah, dat was what i have asked mama. i was only three at that time, and it was the first moment we met.
there are also another moments with you dat i couldn't shake off my head.
while i was a very talkative kid, u were always silent. but somehow, your hands weren't as 'silent' as your mouth. one day, when i was five years old, i was freaked to see u alone in my room, surrounded with shredded colourful papers. you had torn my kindergarden books!!!!! i was so mad...................... but all you do is just smiled sheepishly.... sigh....

few years went by......
and when i looked back at out picture together when we were kids,

i said to myself............
from now on i can't call u my little brother anymore...
cuz u see,

you had become taller than me!

to my younger brother....

as life pass by,
many heavy obstacles will block your path.
but i think that u didn't need physical strength to move forward.
u have an intelligent mind,
and i hope u use it da right way to become
someone who can change the world to be a better place.
you may think what i've said is a cliche. but i do think dat is possible.

and last but not least......

HAPPY 19th BIRTHDAY, ARIEFF!!!!!

pingu tomey.....

pingu teman sy belajar sampai mata dier jd juling........
hahaha....
chaiyok2, ainul!!!!!!
hari rabu minggu depan akan diundi sekali lagi untuk ujian interna.
i must do my best!