bubly bablings

being a medical officer is not easy.
as a houseman you can always 'hide' behind your MOs.
anything you are not sure you can just inform MO and write "Dr. X noted" just to save your ass in case something bad happens.
but now, being the one who receive the call and the one who had to decide, my life is not getting easier at all!

my boss said to me "Ainul, it's not about seniority. never mind whether you have been MO for a year, or 5 years or more. it is all about competency."
but actually, i still think that experience still plays important part in medical field. 
my seniors helps a lot, even senior nurses plays important role.
because when i graduate, doesn't mean that i know everything that it takes to be a doctor.
in fact, sometimes i feel so stupid.
even as a medical officer i am still learning.

sometimes, i was scolded when i refer case to my colleagues. there was even a time when i refuse to refer because i am so afraid of being scolded. but one specialist said to me "just refer even if they scold you. at least you have done your job." so if they become mad at me and refuse to come and see patient, what the heck. i can fire back by saying "oh, ok. then i'll just write in the case sheet that you cannot see this patient, ok?" (don't worry, they will nag and scream but they still had to see the patient and that is the most important part. ehe~)

dealing with colleagues may be hard but dealing with patient can also drain my energy.
"how come i got cancer? i got no pain. i am perfectly healthy. how can you say that i got cancer?" said a man to me. trust me, a patient in denial phase is not easy to deal with. this is why soft skill is so damn important! 
there was once where i cry in a clinic in front of a 30 years old woman, who was divorced and currently living with her mother and her child.  she was diagnosed with breast cancer, but refused for operation and chemotherapy. oh my. how does she expect to live with her cancer without treatment? 
i always said to breast cancer survivors " wow, looking at you, no one can ever guess that you are a cancer survivor". i am not lying. many women had survived mastectomy and chemo, and radiotherapy. i've seen them walking proudly. that is why there is nothing that upset me more than patients who went to look for some traditional medication till the cancer spreads and there is nothing can be done anymore. hiks. 

phew. when it comes to doing what's right for the patient, even a simple decision plays a major part. one single mistake can jeopardize not only a single human's life, because when someone died, they may left their spouse and kids behind. when a patient die, we had to deal with the living ones that have lost their loved ones. and let me tell you, breaking the bad news, whether telling someone that they had just been diagnosed with cancer, or their family had passed away, never gets easier even with experience.

there is not a single day that went by without me wishing to be a better doctor. but now i think i need a good night sleep.
*yawning*
zzzzzzzzzzzzzz

one fine day (ARHJ Part 57)

"please don't leave me," he beg.
i know i don't have the strength to cry anymore.
i know i am not strong enough to survive another heartbreak.
and i know i will suffer if i didn't speed dial the J button or hear the Adira's song titled "Ku ada kamu" ringing on my blackberry at least once a day.
i know i am pathetic.
but not to give him another chance would be cruel.
because i know he is not the only one suffering if i end up our story just like this. 
anyway, here's a poem, specially dedicated for u, HJ
 

there was a time,

where i feel 

d r a i n e d,

and i grow tired of 

f i g h t i n g.

so exhausted 

that I've finally said goodbye to him

but he beg me not to.

yes, i am blind.

i can't see a lie.

but tell me,

how on earth can i spot a lie,

when love balloons filled my heart?

pain....so much pain that it makes me breathless,

tears....so much tears that it left me gasping for love,

but the cut deepen as i accuse him for not doing anything to mend it

but one day,

as he recite a 'doa',

my heart melted.

then he reminds me to pray,

and i forgot my sorrows and my insecurity.

when he pray for us,

the blood in my veins stirred,

boiling over the limit.

bear in your mind,

that losing this game 

is not my intention!

on one fine day,

INSYAALLAH, 

we 

will 

be 

united.

AMIN.

hate that i love you (ARHJ Part 56)

this is the part of our story that i never want to publish.
ARHJ had been 'silenced' as i realize that this is not a happy fairy tale where the princess finally met the prince and elope.
no.
this is not another fairy tale!

i love him.....
but i really hate him right now.
he makes me cry every day.
he makes me so damn depressed.
i hate him for making me loving him so much!!!!

That’s how much I love you  

That’s how much I need you  

And I can’t stand ya  

Most everything you do make me wanna smile  

Can I not like it for a while?
No, but you won’t let me

anyway, it's 25th April today...
it's supposed to be our 7th month happy anniversary together.
but there is nothing happy in our life today.
he had just told me yesterday that he is not ready to meet me yet and that he is afraid of himself.

urrrgh!!!! what a lame reason!!!
as if i am going to believe that.

he had stolen my heart and he said that he want to keep it forever.
few months ago, he stole my heart to wipe my tears away...
but now it seems that my tears are flowing so fast like a river.
loving him is so easy yet it is so hard to keep on waiting like this!
i hate it that when i hear his voice, i forgot how mad i am to him, which is so not fair at all. 

You upset me, boy, and then you kiss my lips 
All of a sudden I forget that I was upset 
Can’t remember what you did
But I hate it 
You know exactly what to do 
So that I can’t stay mad at you  
For too long, that’s wrong
But, I hate it

i am not a mannequin.
i am a human.
but when i am treated like a mannequin, should i keep on loving him?
please give my heart back if you don't want to meet me, HJ. 

And you completely know the power that you have  

The only one that makes me laugh  

Sad and it’s not fair how you take advantage of the fact  

That I love you beyond the reason why  

And it just ain’t right

i just want to be happy.
i just want to smile again.
please bring my smile back.

how on earth can i ever forget u, when the hole inside my heart had been filled by you?
how can i ever stop calling you, when it is already my habit to speed dial your number by just pressing the 'J' button on my blackberry?
how to live happily without u, when thinking of u is like breathing? don't you know that it is what i do to stay alive!?!?!

You know exactly how to touch 

So that I don’t wanna fuss and fight no more  

Said, I despise that I adore you
And I hate how much I love you, boy  

I can’t stand how much I need you  

And I hate how much I love you, boy  

But I just can’t let you go 

And I hate that I love you so

i don't know how long i can keep on waiting.
all i know is that i never want to leave u. 
but i can't keep on crying every day.

One of these days, maybe your magic won’t affect me  

And your kiss won’t make me weak  

But no one in this world knows me the way you know me  

So you’ll probably always have a spell on me, yay

 

p.s. background lyric in purple font is taken from the song "hate that i love you"

happy birthday? (ARHJ Part 55)

April is supposed to be an awesome month for us, where he will finally come to meet me.
but i just found out a bitter truth few days ago. 
at first he kept saying "this Thursday... " and then he said nothing. just leave me hanging like that.
so i thought that he wants to come on that day (which is today).
but it hurts so much to know the truth.
he won't come today.
i also doesn't want him to come.
why?
because if he did that, then i know that i have all the reason to be jealous of his ex girlfriend, who had passed away few years ago.
i know, i know. don't nag at me.
why on earth should i be damn jealous of someone who had died?
but apparently, he had many memories of her.
while both of us, what did we have?
we haven't even meet each other yet!!!!
it is so damn depressing that i cried when i know the truth.
but i think i had to thank her.
she had bring great impact in his life.
and he always share with me a lot of things that she had taught him regarding our religion.
thank you, dear I**

p.s. i know i shouldn't be jealous of her.
after all, he is mine now, right?




please don't misunderstand me. 
i won't ask him to forget her.

the past is history1.

but the future is our story.

i think it is not a sin if he still think of her, for she had once bring him happiness.
i think she was a wonderful girl.
but ALLAH loves her more.
may her soul rest in peace.
Al fatihah.
 
p.s. how to wish Happy Birthday to a deceased person?

footnote: does the word history comes from 'his story'? hmmm

 

surat rujukan (ARHJ Part 53)

Setengah tahun Enam bulan menunggu tarikh 'appointment' dengan dokter HJ.

insyaALLAH, masanya akan tiba tidak lama lagi.

Ya ALLAH permudahkanlah urusan kami.

AMIN 

=)

footnote:

p/w : presented with

pt: patient
3/12: three months

LOA: Loss of apetite

LOW: Loss of weight

a/w: associated with

o/e: on examination

GCS: Glasgow coma scale (a neurological scale to record the conscious state of a person) 

BP: Blood pressure

PR: Pulse rate

CVS: Cardiovascular system

DRNM: Dual rhythm no murmur

SNT: Soft, non tender

Ix: Investigation

TRO: To rule out

FBC: Full blood count

NAD: No active disease i.e Normal

od: omne in die (once daily)

6/12: six months

tds: ter die sumendum (three times a day)