i am not a vampire!!!!!!

i was pricking a boy when suddenly his dad barge in the treatment room.

his mom, who were in front of me since the very beginning of the episode, look at me skeptically...

it is not my habit to let parents in treatment room when i am doing a procedure.

it build a tension dat makes me nervous.

'what are you looking for?' his dad asked me

'why did you need more bloods?'

'why do you want to prick him again?'

'can't you use the blood that had been taken yesterday?'

similar questions of concern parents

i try talk nicely through my mask (I've been catching a bad URTI since last monday)

but sometimes, i am not sure i can handle the stress.

yeah, working in pediatric is stressful

never thought it would be dat stressful.

i even got a bad dream last night ...

funny how i once dream to be a pediatrician.

i even won an award of my research about the job back when i was in MRSM.

i admit sometimes it is fun to play with the kids.

but look how it pays me.

a bad flu and cough.

and now i even got diarrhea despite tremendous amount of hand antiseptic that i've used....

(i have never been so obsessed with antiseptic before this. now i won't even start my rounds without an antiseptic!)

sick people tend to be fussy, but sick children only knows how to cry.

poor kids.

i wish i can do something to make them feel better.

i wish i can hug all of them and make them feel safe.

'don't worry, baby. i am here to help you'

but they will never understand.

and it needs lots and lots of patience to work in this department.

to prick a baby, you had to work with your friends (to help hold the child)

working alone is not a good option.

but thankfully there are plenty of us.

there was once where 4 doctors 'surround' a child, trying to get an iv line.

in children, 'if u can't see the vein, don't prick'

sometimes all you need is luck.

i am not trying to say dat it is a gamble to us.

'we never want to hurt your child. but he really needs an iv line' i explain to one of a concerned father.

dear  parents, we doctors are trying to help your child.

sometimes, i feel that i'd rather poke myself than pricking such a small creature.

i am not a vampire.

i am a human being.

when someone said in the newspaper dat 'young doctors need a human touch', i began to wonder.

sometimes i didn't even treat myself as a human.

sometimes i don't even have time to eat.

sometimes i keep running here and there, forgetting to sit down and take a breath.

i love my job.

but sometimes i hope ALLAH grant me more patience.

sometimes i am frustrated that pricking a child vein took twice as much time as i need to prick an adult.

frustrated that i can't do my job faster...

and every detailed things need to be written and summarized.

oh how i wish i have six hands, and triple the energy to work!!!!

perhaps its the sickness that slowing me..

body please heal faster.

i need the strength to help others.

 

tiada lagi cinta untuk kamu

truthfully, i am happier without you.

now i learn how to love my own self.

i won't let myself to be hurt again..

especially by you.

you don't deserve me.

yeah.

you don't deserve me at all.

there are many better guys than you.

i finally have the courage to delete you out of my life.

 

and i find myself more calm now.

i am grateful dat you are gone now..... for good

you might think that it is too early.

but you had left me for more than tenth time.

people also ignore my sadness because this is not the first time you 'hang' me like this.

this is not the first time, but i can assure you that this is the last time i ever let you rip my paper heart. ever!!!

it's been 7 days since i started posting in paediatrics.

i've seen many types of parents.

those who knows how to teach and take care of their child.

those who can't even calm their kids.

those who were fighting for the 'hak penjagaan'

those who were separated, and let their kids jump here and there.

i don't want to have a family like dat.

i don't want a broken family.

and judging from the broken and chipped relationship we have had since 4 years ago, i am not sure whether we can built a happy family.

i love to see how sometimes when a child got sick, the parents bond become tighter and their concern face makes me feels their love.

i am amazed to see a patient mother nurse her handicapped and bed bound child.

she knows that her adopted child will never able to walk.

will not be able to go to school like other child.

she knows that her son won't be able to even fed himself.

'selagi kudrat masih ada, mak cik akan jaga dia. makcik sayang dia sangat2' she told me.

 

there was one time where i almost cry when i tell a concerned father that his son has leukemia.

and after the real diagnosis came out, they seems devastated at first.

but then he said to his child, 'you must be strong. you must fight! if you doesn't fight, you'll die' 

it sounds harsh, but i know the father is crying in his heart.

i look at the hopeful parents.

i can see tears welling in the mother's eyes.

"thank you doctor" she said.

her son got sick, yet here she is, thanking me for telling her the bitter truth.

it is so powerful and so deep that i feel surge of a weird feeling tingling in my heart.

thank you ALLAH for showing me how much love still exist on this earth.

 

i am closing your book now, mr engineer.

goodbye.

 

 

wow!

i really like this Kia Trackster and Toshiba Libretto!!!

owh my..

they are just so damn beautiful!

and amazing!!!

their features makes me salivating..

huuuu~

quote from an article 

"Kia says the Trackster may not see production, but serves as a “showcase for ideas we may someday pursue.”

oh, does dat means dat trackster is not for sale???

 (as if i'm gonna buy it)

 lol...

hey ladies

When the day comes that he realizes what a mistake he made & tries calling, turn your phone off. 

When he tries coming to your house, don't answer the door. 

Think of the broken promises, and the lies, the manipulation & the tears, the wasted moments and staying up all night wondering where the crap he was. 

 Think of how your heart used to jump when your phone would vibrate in the middle of the night & how it fell to your stomach when you saw it wasn't him, and realized that once again, he hadn't called when he said he was going to. 

One day you'll find a guy who's worth all the tears, but he won't make you cry. 

You may think that you'll never care about someone like you did that guy that you always ran back to, but you will. 

It's going to hurt like crap, & it's going to need time to heal, but the point is, it will heal. 

This is for those girls who fell back in love with their ex, only to get hurt all over again. 

my friend BBM me this words just at the right time. it hits me perfectly.

p.s. tried to google it and saw an entry that said that it's actually a lyric of 'for the ladies' sang by andrea prewitt..

hmmm never heard the song though. but the lyric is so damn great!!!!!!