hate that i love you (ARHJ Part 56)

this is the part of our story that i never want to publish.
ARHJ had been 'silenced' as i realize that this is not a happy fairy tale where the princess finally met the prince and elope.
no.
this is not another fairy tale!

i love him.....
but i really hate him right now.
he makes me cry every day.
he makes me so damn depressed.
i hate him for making me loving him so much!!!!

That’s how much I love you  

That’s how much I need you  

And I can’t stand ya  

Most everything you do make me wanna smile  

Can I not like it for a while?
No, but you won’t let me

anyway, it's 25th April today...
it's supposed to be our 7th month happy anniversary together.
but there is nothing happy in our life today.
he had just told me yesterday that he is not ready to meet me yet and that he is afraid of himself.

urrrgh!!!! what a lame reason!!!
as if i am going to believe that.

he had stolen my heart and he said that he want to keep it forever.
few months ago, he stole my heart to wipe my tears away...
but now it seems that my tears are flowing so fast like a river.
loving him is so easy yet it is so hard to keep on waiting like this!
i hate it that when i hear his voice, i forgot how mad i am to him, which is so not fair at all. 

You upset me, boy, and then you kiss my lips 
All of a sudden I forget that I was upset 
Can’t remember what you did
But I hate it 
You know exactly what to do 
So that I can’t stay mad at you  
For too long, that’s wrong
But, I hate it

i am not a mannequin.
i am a human.
but when i am treated like a mannequin, should i keep on loving him?
please give my heart back if you don't want to meet me, HJ. 

And you completely know the power that you have  

The only one that makes me laugh  

Sad and it’s not fair how you take advantage of the fact  

That I love you beyond the reason why  

And it just ain’t right

i just want to be happy.
i just want to smile again.
please bring my smile back.

how on earth can i ever forget u, when the hole inside my heart had been filled by you?
how can i ever stop calling you, when it is already my habit to speed dial your number by just pressing the 'J' button on my blackberry?
how to live happily without u, when thinking of u is like breathing? don't you know that it is what i do to stay alive!?!?!

You know exactly how to touch 

So that I don’t wanna fuss and fight no more  

Said, I despise that I adore you
And I hate how much I love you, boy  

I can’t stand how much I need you  

And I hate how much I love you, boy  

But I just can’t let you go 

And I hate that I love you so

i don't know how long i can keep on waiting.
all i know is that i never want to leave u. 
but i can't keep on crying every day.

One of these days, maybe your magic won’t affect me  

And your kiss won’t make me weak  

But no one in this world knows me the way you know me  

So you’ll probably always have a spell on me, yay

 

p.s. background lyric in purple font is taken from the song "hate that i love you"

happy birthday? (ARHJ Part 55)

April is supposed to be an awesome month for us, where he will finally come to meet me.
but i just found out a bitter truth few days ago. 
at first he kept saying "this Thursday... " and then he said nothing. just leave me hanging like that.
so i thought that he wants to come on that day (which is today).
but it hurts so much to know the truth.
he won't come today.
i also doesn't want him to come.
why?
because if he did that, then i know that i have all the reason to be jealous of his ex girlfriend, who had passed away few years ago.
i know, i know. don't nag at me.
why on earth should i be damn jealous of someone who had died?
but apparently, he had many memories of her.
while both of us, what did we have?
we haven't even meet each other yet!!!!
it is so damn depressing that i cried when i know the truth.
but i think i had to thank her.
she had bring great impact in his life.
and he always share with me a lot of things that she had taught him regarding our religion.
thank you, dear I**

p.s. i know i shouldn't be jealous of her.
after all, he is mine now, right?




please don't misunderstand me. 
i won't ask him to forget her.

the past is history1.

but the future is our story.

i think it is not a sin if he still think of her, for she had once bring him happiness.
i think she was a wonderful girl.
but ALLAH loves her more.
may her soul rest in peace.
Al fatihah.
 
p.s. how to wish Happy Birthday to a deceased person?

footnote: does the word history comes from 'his story'? hmmm