^Love^ Life^Hatred^

pic from here

they love me.
but life played a stupid trick on us and change it into a hatred. (is it life or live? forgive my bad english!)
i hate to have a friend like me too.
i am a very damn stubborn girl.
too desperate.
and always finds a way to make them mad at me.

as i look at their pictures, smiling, laughing happily together... i cry a lil bit.
i love my best friends... so much!!!!!!
i know why they are mad at me. i kept doing the same mistakes over and over again.
stupid me.
somebody should just throw me into the sea and leave me drowning....
S***! i am very very LOST!

my dear friends....
forgive me for being like this.
but i know saying 'sorry' is not enough.....

p.s. don't worry. i've promise myself i won't find you guys anymore if i was sad.
i know, i was the one who wants to play with the fire.
and you guys must be tired seeing me neglecting your words and then crying like s*** when everything is over.
but somehow, i can't stay away from the fire....
plus, i am an ugly duckling after all....

birthday bash!!!! or not?

first of all, i must say thanks to all my dear friends for heaps of birthday wishes!!!!!! you guys makes me grinning till my ears!!!!! i love u all!!!!!!!

so yesterday was my birthday.
and i wrote this on my facebook's status

22 years ago, my mum gave birth to me on 22nd of july. And at dat time, she's 22 years old!

nice rite? my mum said it's a special day.. but i dunno how to describe yesterday.
well...... it do start with a lovely moment with a sweet and charming guy, my dear froggie pwince. ehem ehem. ehe~ will blog about him later, ok.

yesterday wasn't exactly a big day as i was on duty till 9pm and i was so damn tired when i reach home. i spent my evening with a newly admitted coma patient who suddenly become apneu (breathless), who happens to be my senior's boyfriend!! OMG!!!!!!!! such a sad moments. all of the patient's family was crying, as they had never expected the thirty years old healthy guy suffered stroke and fell unconcious suddenly with only headache and vomiting as a warning. life can be cruel, right?
after my shift end, i was exausted. but my lovely friends surprised me with a delicious mocha cake and mouth watering homemade spaghetti!!!!
oh, i love you guys so much!!!!!!!

i wanna write more but i have discussions tomorrow and i'm not ready yet.
c ya on next entry!

keep holding on

date written: 16th July 2009
time: 2.OO A.M.
Location: Neurology Ward

status:
Night shift coass: 2, me and Tenri
On site residents: 3
Rooms: six rooms with minimum 3 patients per room
Total patients that must be follow up per hour : four

i had just follow up Mrs B, a 68years old woman, who suffered from meningioma (her family still didnt agree for operation yet) every morning, when i come to check on her, she refuse to open her eyes spontaneously. and today i know why... i was checking on the almost critical patients beside her who was feverish, when suddenly i saw a pair of eyes staring straight at me. Mrs B stares blankly to me (her position was directly in front of me so that it seems she was looking at me, but actually she can't see)
i went beside her and talk to her (though she cannot understand me) "grandma, didn't u sleep?" She kept staring at me... and i stared back. drops of saliva went down her limp side of lips.
suddenly i felt like i wanna cry....
i miss my grandma.
(gmbar hiasan)
as i held the old woman's hand slowly to check her pulse, i stared at her dry skin, and i began to miss hearing old woman chitchatting and gossiping. neurology makes me a lil bit down, seeing those stroke patients, unable to talk and move. there was also another patient who keeps saying 'ahhhhhhhhh' like he was in deep pain. oh how i wish he could tell me where it hurts! the only thing that i think is a miracle is when i was at the polyclinic yesterday. a post stroke patient come, walking slowly but proudly. she always smiled. and when i ask her, she proudly told me that before this she can't even move her right leg! though she walks so damn slow, i am sure her family would appreciate every step she takes. MEDICINE IS AMAZING. it's amazing how a simple blockage may makes someone become crippled and it is even more wonderful when those patients recovered their motoric functions. i think i learn something meaningful today i should appreciate every single moment i walk, speak, or even breath.....
i'll end my entry with a song lyric...

'syukuri apa yang ada
hidup adalah anugerah
tetap jalani hidup ini

melakukan yang terbaik'

don't ever give up, my friend!
MIRACLES DO EXIST!

takut nak masuk neurology

dari dulu aku takut nak masuk bahagian ni..
alasannya.. sebab bahagian ni hanya sebulan, dan macam sangat penat...
huhu.. pemalasnye aku ye....
tapi akhirnya, aku stase di neurology juga
takleh lari2 lagi (sbb bulan depan dah puasa nanti lagi tak sanggup! huhu)
minggu depan aku bertugas di rumah sakit Labuang Baji..
perjalanan ke sana sejam dari apartmentku!
huwaaa....
jam 6 sudah harus keluar dr rumah dan naik pete2 sorang2.
hanya aku 'gadis malaysia' yg masuk neurology minggu depan.
(ini kali kedua aku masuk department sorg2. harus berdikari. huhu)
xsuke jugak masuk satu department tu rmai2 Malaysian. 'mencolok' sangat.
xsuke kena tegur kitorg 'kurang gaul'.
ehe~
sebenarnye ade satu posting yg tulis tak setel2.
mls betul nak update.
tp sbb aku tgk di 'feed list' ku, selalu sangat ade org dr attenheim, buddenburg datang melawat blog aku. tp aku ni x update2, so aku pon menulis update ini supaya 'pembaca setiaku' tak kecewa. huhu.

update mengenai diri aku.....
aku dah lulus dermatology. alhamdulillah....
besok akan bermula kisah aku bermain dgn tukul refleks, skor GCS dan skor hasanuddin, dan para pesakit stroke dan yang sewaktu dengannya...
aku harus belajar lebih semangat!!!!!!!!!!

sejak dua hari ni sakit kepala selalu datang. mungkin makassar terlalu panas.... haishs...
oh ya, aku berazam untuk kurus! huhu.... nanti tak muat lak pakai kebaya mase raye. lalala~


update mengenai Indonesia
manohara berlakon dalam drama berjudul 'manohara' yang menampilkan kisah 'penderitaan' dia.
dapat 12miliyar, beb!!!!
balik2 je jadi milionaire...
huh...
aku sudah muak dgn nurses yg suke perli aku (mereka sokong manohara, itu sudah pasti)
tapi biasanya dokter yg open minded akan mengatakan kita tidak harus campur hal rumah tangga orang dan tidak bisa 'to judge a country by judging one of its citizen who we barely know, rite?'

oh ya, tidak lama lagi pilihanraya presiden indonesia..
bertambah hangat makassar yg sangat panas ini... hmm

minggu depan pasti aku sangat sibuk. untung masih boleh online gune handphone (buka facebook saat jaga adalah wajib!) huhu

oklah...
tak larat tangan menaip.
mata dah berat gara2 makan bakso jumbo yang sedap tapi kuah tawar meleset. huhu...


last but not least.....
NEUROLOGY department, here i come!!!!!!!!