the tale of a tiger who wish to repent

Hye. it had been almost six months I left my blog untouched. 
work had been hectic and tiring. not just physically, but mentally as well.

you see, when you are a house officer, you just do what you are told to do.
but as a responsible medical officer in a surgical department, you need to:
1. re-clerk a patient's history
2. examine patient
3. think of a plan before patient is seen by a surgeon
4. guess whether a patient need a surgery or not (decision of operation can only be made by a surgeon, but you need to know what type of pt that need to be operated now, urgently, emergency or elective, or even may not need operation at all.
5. prepare patient for procedures or operation (ensure blood is taken, imaging etc)
6. do procedures (chest tube, pleural tapping, peritoneal tapping, central line insertions, intubating, cystofix, change ETT, .........)
7. teach houseman (sometimes u even had to teach them the most basic thing, but first posters sometimes had to be taught from A to Z).
8. when a patient collapse, you had to act as a team leader and conduct the resuscitation.
9. see patient in clinic and discuss with  either surgeon, radiologist or even pathologist regarding your patient (today one radiologist asked me to sit next to her and I am amazed of how humble she was when we discuss about a patient. she definitely had changed my previous perception of her!)
10. assist specialist operating. when I was a houseman I don't have any idea what my specialist is doing. Now I need to know the steps, the anatomy, instruments, close wounds and write the operation findings and steps. can I just go back into being a HO and just retract the wound, please?
11. refer cases. some people may scold you when you refer a case, but i hold on to what my boss said "some people may scold u but at least you do what your specialist asked you to do or what you think can help the patient" and "if you did not know how to manage, just refer!"

and many more...

truthfully, I still need to learn a lot.
sometimes i feel inadequate when i can't make a decision like my boss did. 
but then again, they are a specialist with lots of experience. 
their amazing skills makes me inferior.
and though I did not want to be a surgeon, i did feel comfortable in this department.
though my boss keep on asking me why I did not want to be a surgeon, and my answer is always the same "it is too difficult and the scope are too wide, la boss. I don't think I can be a surgeon"

Honestly, I am not a good doctor.
I pray every single morning that I won't scold houseman so much. 
I used to hate MO who are so damn impatient and always raise their voices. 
but it seems that I am becoming one of them too *sigh*
I even tear up a piece of paper and criticize my housemans. 
once, one houseman walk slowly in front of me like I am a tiger and I said to him "I know that I am so scary but I didn't eat human, OK?". then both of us laugh but he laugh so cowardly and said that I am indeed a scary MO.
oh my. what had I become?

my boss said that we were trained that way, and it is not our fault  to be like that.
I keep on telling myself that if I did not scold my HO they will not learn and thus will do a bad thing to our patients. but not all of them are bad, ok? some are reliable and may even tell me if I am wrong.

I may not be a good teacher. I may yell, scold and condemn HO. I know that I was once a HO too so I definitely know how they feel when they were scolded.

so to all housemans out there, forgive me for being impatient. forgive me for shouting at you in front of patients. forgive me for being so damn agitated.

we work for the sake of our patient. so let's strive to do more, okay?

p.s. I am leaving surgical department soon. finally I am free from my one year bond (which is exactly one year and 4months). Yay ! \(^o^)/

Hopefully I can pursue my dream at a new place and new environment. I am looking forward to a less stressful place so that I can be a better person and more skilled in my favorite department (which is definitely not surgical. I wonder how can someone be a surgeon. so many anatomies. so many regions. so many skills. wow. definitely not for me)

you can see that I have lot's of respect to surgeons, eyh?
yup, salute to surgeons. their work are simply amazing.

One day a patient was screaming, rolling on bed, that she even need a PCA fentanyl. The next day after a successful operation, she smiled happily and even request to go home!

A near death bleeding patient survived after a lengthy operation.

A patient who had underwent 4 major operations and was in ICU for many months, makes me shocked when he speaks and he can even walk home. (even  the GA MOs were shocked when I told them about the patient's progress!)

My uncle who was intubated due to respiratory distress, noted had a perforated diverticulum, operated, complicated with a wound breakdown, suffered a stroke as a post operation complication, is now working again and able to support his family.

Lots of cancer patients live like normal person after operation and chemotherapy.

A patient with sepsis so bad and she was so weak that we had inform D.I.L (death in line) to her family, is now pulling my bag when I was examining the patient next to her and showing me her black teeth and blabbing happily  (she is a psychiatric patient).

Those are only some of amazing things I have seen personally in this department.
Luckily, no  one who we said might be dying but somehow had survived, did not sue us.
ahaks.

I love my job. as crazy hectic depressing tiring as it is, this is my job, and I enjoy doing what I did =) 

wanna be a doctor? think carefully!

the most common thing that happen when you are working in a hospital is that people will start fighting to take leave.
as usual, being single and living with parents gave me no reason to take extra holidays. 
plus, i don't have any grandparents anymore. sigh~

i met my friend yesterday and she asked me whether i feel regret being a doctor.
truthfully, no matter how busy i am, no matter how bad i was scolded by my boss, no matter how bad my patients treated me, no matter how disrespectful some nurses can be and no matter if i had to work on festive days, I DID NOT REGRET of my choice to be a doctor. 

you know what? my CGPA in Matriculation did not exceed 3.6, and i remember the doctor who did my medical checkup few years ago was not satisfied that her niece with much better grade than me did not have the chance to be a doctor.
i had fight on my way to get here, and i am not giving up now!
few years ago, after realizing that i have no chance to study medicine in Malaysia, i seek opportunities elsewhere.
never mind if i had to study in Indonesia.
never mind if i can only get JPA's loan (which end up making me stuck in government hospital for 10 years. not that i wanna go to private. i don't really mind about it, actually. ehe~)

so here i am. 
i had to admit that my journey wasn't a smooth one.
with nerve wrecking and heart breaking relationships, and sometimes financial difficulties, i manage to survive.

when i do locum, people tend to say, "wow doctor. u are so young!"
ok, i am not that young. i'm 26 already. 
but i admit that i am still young in a medical world. I still have much much more to learn. 
and when i sign up for medicine course, it means that i am signing up for a life long learning.

so to those who are still undecided for their future, think before you choose this career.
if you want to be rich, be a businessman. I've met some doctors who had resign for some MLM (Multi Level Marketing) business.

 it is so damn useless to be a doctor without a passion.
because instead of treating people, you might end up being a killer.
now that i've become a Medical Officer, i had to be responsible in every action and order that i make. 
when i am not sure, it is not wise to just guess. 
when someone condition deteriorates, instead of following orders (that's what most of house officer do), i found myself thinking hard of what i should do or should have done to help that person. 
when i had to break a bad news to my patient, for example informing them that they have a cancer, and what are the possible options available, i fight so hard not to cry. (i did cry once, in front of a 30 years old single mother with a breast cancer who refuse operation, and almost cried when a tough looking 18 year old boy cried in front of me after i told him politely that he have a testicular cancer that have metastases to lymph nodes and his lungs)

seriously, this job is tough and need a lot of social skills, right?
 

nobody's perfect

When I'm nervous I have this thing, yeah, 

I talk too much  

Sometimes I just can't shut the hell up  

It's like I need to tell someone, anyone who'll listen  

And that's where I seem to fuck up
Yeah, I forget about the consequences  

For a minute there I lose my senses  

And in the heat of the moment my mouth starts going 

The words start flowing, oh
But I never meant to hurt you  

I know it's time that I learned to 

Treat the people I love like I wanna be loved  

This is a lesson learned
I hate that I let you down  

And I feel so bad about it  

I guess karma comes back around  

'Cause now I'm the one that's hurting, yeah
And I hate that I made you think 

That the trust we had is broken  

Don't tell me you can't forgive me  

'Cause nobody's perfect  

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, nobody's perfect, no

 
If I could turn back the hands of time  

I swear I never would've crossed that line  

I should of kept it between us  

But, no, I went and told the whole world how I feel and oh
So I sit and I realize  

With these tears falling from my eyes  

I gotta change if I wanna keep you forever 

I promise that I'm gonna try

 
But I never meant to hurt you 

I know it's time that I learned to   

Treat the people I love like I wanna be loved  

This is a lesson learned
I hate that I let you down  

And I feel so bad about it 

I guess karma comes back around 

'Cause now I'm the one that's hurting, yeah

 
And I hate that I made you think 

That the trust we had is broken  

So don't tell me you can't forgive me 

'Cause nobody's perfect 

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, nobody's perfect

 
I'm not a saint, no, not at all, but what I did, it wasn't cool  

But I swear that I'll never do that again to you, 

oh I'm not a saint, no, not at all, but what I did, it wasn't cool  

But I swear that I'll never do that again to you, yeah

 
I hate that I let you down  

And I feel so bad about it 

I guess karma comes back around  

'Cause now I'm the one that's hurting, yeah
And I hate that I made you think  

That the trust we had is broken  

So don't tell me you can't forgive me 

'Cause nobody's perfect, no

 
I hate that I let you down  

And I feel so bad about it  

I guess karma comes back around 

'Cause now I'm the one that's hurting, yeah
And I hate that I made you think  

That the trust we had is broken  

So tell me you can forgive me 

'Cause nobody's perfect, yeah, yeah, whoa
Don't tell me, don't tell  

Don't tell me you can't forgive me  

No, no, no, no  

'Cause nobody's perfect, no

how did i lose 10kg in 4 months?

hye

so what's with woman and weight?

yeah.

both started with a 'W' but most of us are not comfortable discussing it.

but since two days ago, a lot of people ask me the same question "how much have u lost?" (referring to my weight)

well, working in Emergency Department kinda 'secluded' me from other colleagues from other department in the hospital cuz i just stay in the ED.

so when i'm back to the 'outer' world, people started to see me again and was astonished.

believe me. i couldn't even button up my white coat before this!

this was when i was almost 70kg

so how did i lose 10kgs in 4 months?

truthfully, it was not EASY!

i've been wearing PB for 7 months but i only started to lose weight on the 3rd months due to my lifestyle change.

so, here's some tips for you.

1. so lazy to work out? just walk!!!

working in ED makes me walks A LOT!! 

thus those 4 months in ED i get three in one : knowledge, skills and exercise.

 awesome!!

 i also love to walk at the park.

everyone knows that rabbit never win the race

walking is never dull or boring at Taman Botanikal Melaka. especially with this life size crocodile statues

yes!!!

 i don't like to jog. i prefer to aerobic at stadium tun fatimah.

don't feel ashamed.

when u lose weight other people you will be the one laughing. hahaha *evil laugh*

2. how to lose weight without saying goodbye to chocolate?

one sister nicknamed me "chocolate doctor" as i always ate chocolate during lunch hour.

i was a first poster at that time and was so damn busy.

due the lack of time, a bar of choc is the only thing that i can eat.

but now i had started to substitute chocolate with yogurt.

my fav. nyummyy

i still buy chocolate sometimes. but i share it with others.

i used to gobble the whole bar alone. kihkihkih

when u share with others, u eat less chocolate and you friend will love u more (or not?)

3. i don't want to give up rice!!!

yeah. dat's me. life without rice is 'unthinkable'.

i'm a truly asian. how to live without rice?

last week i go to the canteen and the staff there said 'eh, lama tak nampak doktor'.

so i ask for 'nasi setengah'. but i can't finish it all.

i used to clean up my plate. (tulang pun kadang2 makan.. errrr....)

now i realize that i now i only eat one quarter of my usual portion of rice!!

thankfully, my Premium Beautiful corset really helps a lot to reduce my hunger =)

i've tried meal substitute juice but i hate the taste and i am quite paranoid about the side effects to my kidney (no evidence here but i've seen a 15 year old girl with end stage renal failure due to slimming product)

before

after

oh my..

look at the time.

i could spend a whole day talking about this issue.

we'll gossip again later.

byeeeee~

now i had began to like my reflection =)

Y.E.S. and yes!

hye!

semalam pergi dating dengan yad.

and i fell in love instantly with this cute 4 owls!

siap ada free gift bantal kuning dan pen  ^.^

comel kan, kan?

sebenarnya keempat2 burung hantu ini adalah 'hand cream'

lepas tu dapat free calendar yang sangat girlish

every item buy one free one in Etude House now..

oh, saya sangat suka YES (Year End Sale)!

balik rumah je, bagi mama yang warna kuning, Aizza ambil warna hijau, dan sy mestilah nak yang warna pink!

Alip golip sibuk nak jugak jadi dia ambil warna biru...

huhu..

ini gaya makcik rambut besar, kata Alip

oh ya, sekarang dah duduk dengan family memang best.

antaranya best sebab ada orang teman saya jogging dan main di playground di Stadium Tun Fatimah

kenapa Alip harus interframe gambar saya!! oh tidakkk!!!!

Alhamdulillah, my life is more organized and happy now.

kotak terakhir baru habis kemas malam tadi.. huhu~

and guess what?

Isnin ni list MO akan keluar!

oh, macam tak percaya dah nak habis housemanship! 

lepas ni kat manalah dokter Ainul yang berjam merah dan stetoskop merah 'tercampak' ye?

hopefully saya akan jadi MO OnG!

Aminnn~

 

apa yang paling jauh dari kita?

aku bersyukur kerana sesuatu yang paling jauh dariku sangat2 jauh dan tak tercapai olehku. 

walaupun ada orang nak bagi aku sebuah audi orange free of charge untuk pergi ke tempat yang jauh itu, aku tetap tak nak pergi!

audi orange!!!

lagipun sekarang ada AES. 

ada fofie (ford fiesta) orange pun dah 'ter'bawak sampai 180 dan kene saman.

ape lagi kalau ada audi...

si oren saya. safety driving ye kawan2. lol

selamat tinggal masa lalu. 

kini aku ada ceritera baru.

tetaplah kau jauh dariku.

kerana aku takkan mungkin akan kembali!

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Imam Ghazali pernah bertanya " Apa yang paling jauh dari diri kita di dunia ini?"

Murid-muridnya ada yang menjawab negara China, bulan, matahari dan bintang-bintang. 

Lalu Imam Ghazali menjelaskan bahawa semua jawapan yang mereka berikan adalah benar. 

Tapi yang paling benar adalah "masa lalu". 

Bagaimanapun kita, apapun kenderaan kita, tetap kita tidak bisa kembali ke masa lalu. 

Oleh sebab itu kita harus menjaga hari ini dan hari-hari yang akan datang dengan perbuatan yang sesuai dengan ajaran Agama.

oh pink, i'm in lovee

my BB had been naked bare since few months ago.

no casing.

no flip cover.

nothing!

until one day...

 the back cover slipped out after a tremendous fall..

*thump*

so i go 'case hunting' or 'cover hunting' (or whatever u call it).

it's hard to find beautiful cover for Blackberry Torch cuz all available are the plain ones, which is so damn boring.

so i didn't put any hig hopes.

 but look what i have found!

this Hello Kitty case is so damn awesome that i just need to blog about it.

and it's pink!

oh my...

i fell in love with her instantly!

and since i love to wear pink at work, it matches my outfit and lift up my mood ^^

yeah, i'm a girl who loves adorable cute things.

and it's just me.

i can't help it

the cover feels good on my palm that i just wanna touch it all the time..

i can't explain why.

but it's true!

err ape tujuan tauk gbr bnyk2 pakai white coat n baju kurung pink ni? ahhh pedulila. lalalala~

please don't get me wrong.
i know u guys are using i phones and cute casings are everywhere.
i've been using my Torchie since i bought it with my 1st salary about one and a half year ago and i have never, i repeat, i never found any cover other than plain ones.
and that's the reason why i was jealous of the i phone user (pls note the past tense :was)
but i will never convert to use i phone.
ever!
blackberry (or should  i say white berry since my Torchie is white?) is always my number one choice!
^^

oklah...

i'm working tonight.

byee~

p.s. in case u r wondering. 

yeah. i memang pakai shawl lilit2 g kerja. 

and it only takes me less than 5 minutes to wear it..

i love you (ARHJ part ten)

i stared at the SMS for a long time... 

 i love you....

i was dumbfounded. what should i reply?
ohhh my.....

love is a sacred word for me... 

or maybe i am SCARED of the SACRED word, huh? (1)

anyway, he did it.

he said the L word to me.

and we haven't even met yet!

at that time i never even heard his voice.

it's kinda crazy to have a boyfriend who u never heard his voice and never see him face to face.

whenever he called, its only a missed call and when i call, he will never pick up.

but he is so nice to me.  always remind me to 'jaga diri dan jaga iman'

always makes me wanna be a good person.

and makes a better me...

how not to love such person? (2)

once, he had said to me

"be patient to love me"

and that's what i did.

so when suddenly he said he wanna call me, i was caught off guard.

and then we talk.  

we talk our hearts out.

despite his sickness and soft spoken voice (3) , i feel like i'm dreaming.

and there was a time when both of us was working night shift, we talk on phone for two hours! 

although not two hours straight as i was interrupted by nurses who ask me to insert a branula (which took me seven attempts cuz the patient's vein was so damn thin!) and had to clerk few cases and help MA to do a Closed Manual Reduction on a pregnant lady who was hit by a car (who, luckily, only had a broken arm).

so he had thought me a very valuable lesson on how to be patient.

maybe one day we will meet.

but i did not need to ask him when we can meet.

i just need to be patient.

and when the right time come, we can finally face to face.

InsyaALLAH....

i am happy and i wish there is no more tears...

p.s. 

i got an amazing comment of ARHJ yesterday from on one my longtime silent reader, F

walau dongeng atau realiti, tak salah andai ia mampu menghalang awak dari mengulangi kisah2 airmata... mampu membuat awak mencipta bahagia sebenar. 

saya gembira kerana arhj membangunkan daerah cinta yang bukan mimpi! (4)

footnotes

1:  scared of the sacred word? wow i love this! 

2. opps did i say the L word?

3. which i think is damn cute and i had grow to be fond of

4. yes, F. this time i had to agree with you! =) 

p.s.s. adakah anda sedar bahawa ARHJ part three and four takde lagi?

Selamat hari lahir, mama

Who should I give my love to?  

My respect and my honor to?  

Who should I pay good mind to?  

After Allah And Rasulullah...
Comes your mother

Who next? 

Your mother  

Who next? 

Your mother  

And then your father

Selamat hari lahir Mama!!

Maaf kerana terlambat menyampaikan ucapan selamat hari ini.

aku terlalu leka dengan kerja dari awal pagi

walaupun aku tahu...

biarpun aku ada berpuluh pesakit di wad,

tapi aku hanya ada satu ibu.

yang seharusnya aku hargai lebih dari orang lain.

yang seharusnya aku utamakan lebih dari orang lain.

ni anak mama yang paling nakal. huhu ^^

tapi, hingga tengah hari, tiada apa- apa yang ku beri pada mama

Aku hanya memberikan kerisauan,

kebimbangan..kerinduan..

dan kekecewaan..

Maafkan aku, Mama....

Mama, Terima kasih atas semuanya yang kau berikan padaku..

Terima kasih kerana mendidikku..

Terima kasih kerana menyayangiku..

Terima kasih kerana mengajarku pelbagai ilmu..

Terima kasih kerana menjagaku saat aku sakit,

Terima kasih kerana menjahitkan baju untukku,

Terima kasih kerana memasak lauk kegemaranku..

Terima kasih kerana menyekolahkanku..

Terima kasih kerana menyediakan keperluanku..

Terima kasih kerana merinduiku...

Terima kasih kerana mendoakanku..

Walau aku banyak menyakitimu,

Walau aku banyak mengecewakanmu..

Walau aku memberi derita kepadamu..

Kau tetap menyayangiku,

dan memaafkan dosa-dosaku..

Selamat hari lahir mama..

Semoga Allah merahmatimu selalu,

Memberi hidayah dan petunjukNya kepadamu,

Semoga diberiNya kesihatan, kebahagiaan di dunia dan akhirat..

Semoga Allah mengampuni semua dosa-dosamu dan sentiasa mengasihanimu,

sebagaimana kau mengasihaniku sejak aku kecil,

Semoga Allah memberikan yang terbaik buatmu..

Di dunia dan akhirat.

Say Alhamdulillah  

Thank you Allah  

Thank you Allah For my mother.

p.s. this is a plagiat edited version from here. but i meant it all from my heart.

Kelip kelip

Bila senja menimbus siang

Bila awan melindung bintang

Ku coba menyuluhkan sinar

Agar malammu cerah

Jika pernama tak bersemi

Jika arus sama tak pasti

Ku dengan setia membimbing

Menyinar bagai kelip-kelip

Genggamlah erat tanganku

Bilang arah nak di tuju

Mari ku pimpin ke sana

Ku bawa kau terbang pergi

Seandainya kita terpisah

Tak usah kau rasa gelisah

Ku dengan setia membimbing

Menyinar bagai kelip-kelip

kalau ada sebuah cerita yang boleh 'describe' gambar ini, mungkin cerita "29 Februari" yang paling sesuai.

ok, not to say that the old woman in the story is 'horrifically disfigured', but this story is so touching.
i am a hopeless romantic, so this story made me finished almost 1 box of tissue.
and after watching it i went out for grocery shopping and i heard this song.
then suddenly i feel my face wet and warm.
oh my.
i'm crying in a shopping mall!
thankfully no one noticed.

KRU production had managed to amazed me again.
1st with Hikayat Merong Mahawangsa.
and now with a great combination of love and history of independence in '29 Februari'

it left me wondering
will someone able to love like Budi and Lily?
 they had a wonderful relationship. but why is the ending so heartbreaking?
my eyes are still sore from crying too much.
haha.
ok, i admit that perhaps i 'over reacted'
but i don't care.
this is me.

ada aku kesah ape kau nak kesah?