bubly bablings

being a medical officer is not easy.
as a houseman you can always 'hide' behind your MOs.
anything you are not sure you can just inform MO and write "Dr. X noted" just to save your ass in case something bad happens.
but now, being the one who receive the call and the one who had to decide, my life is not getting easier at all!

my boss said to me "Ainul, it's not about seniority. never mind whether you have been MO for a year, or 5 years or more. it is all about competency."
but actually, i still think that experience still plays important part in medical field. 
my seniors helps a lot, even senior nurses plays important role.
because when i graduate, doesn't mean that i know everything that it takes to be a doctor.
in fact, sometimes i feel so stupid.
even as a medical officer i am still learning.

sometimes, i was scolded when i refer case to my colleagues. there was even a time when i refuse to refer because i am so afraid of being scolded. but one specialist said to me "just refer even if they scold you. at least you have done your job." so if they become mad at me and refuse to come and see patient, what the heck. i can fire back by saying "oh, ok. then i'll just write in the case sheet that you cannot see this patient, ok?" (don't worry, they will nag and scream but they still had to see the patient and that is the most important part. ehe~)

dealing with colleagues may be hard but dealing with patient can also drain my energy.
"how come i got cancer? i got no pain. i am perfectly healthy. how can you say that i got cancer?" said a man to me. trust me, a patient in denial phase is not easy to deal with. this is why soft skill is so damn important! 
there was once where i cry in a clinic in front of a 30 years old woman, who was divorced and currently living with her mother and her child.  she was diagnosed with breast cancer, but refused for operation and chemotherapy. oh my. how does she expect to live with her cancer without treatment? 
i always said to breast cancer survivors " wow, looking at you, no one can ever guess that you are a cancer survivor". i am not lying. many women had survived mastectomy and chemo, and radiotherapy. i've seen them walking proudly. that is why there is nothing that upset me more than patients who went to look for some traditional medication till the cancer spreads and there is nothing can be done anymore. hiks. 

phew. when it comes to doing what's right for the patient, even a simple decision plays a major part. one single mistake can jeopardize not only a single human's life, because when someone died, they may left their spouse and kids behind. when a patient die, we had to deal with the living ones that have lost their loved ones. and let me tell you, breaking the bad news, whether telling someone that they had just been diagnosed with cancer, or their family had passed away, never gets easier even with experience.

there is not a single day that went by without me wishing to be a better doctor. but now i think i need a good night sleep.
*yawning*
zzzzzzzzzzzzzz

one fine day (ARHJ Part 57)

"please don't leave me," he beg.
i know i don't have the strength to cry anymore.
i know i am not strong enough to survive another heartbreak.
and i know i will suffer if i didn't speed dial the J button or hear the Adira's song titled "Ku ada kamu" ringing on my blackberry at least once a day.
i know i am pathetic.
but not to give him another chance would be cruel.
because i know he is not the only one suffering if i end up our story just like this. 
anyway, here's a poem, specially dedicated for u, HJ
 

there was a time,

where i feel 

d r a i n e d,

and i grow tired of 

f i g h t i n g.

so exhausted 

that I've finally said goodbye to him

but he beg me not to.

yes, i am blind.

i can't see a lie.

but tell me,

how on earth can i spot a lie,

when love balloons filled my heart?

pain....so much pain that it makes me breathless,

tears....so much tears that it left me gasping for love,

but the cut deepen as i accuse him for not doing anything to mend it

but one day,

as he recite a 'doa',

my heart melted.

then he reminds me to pray,

and i forgot my sorrows and my insecurity.

when he pray for us,

the blood in my veins stirred,

boiling over the limit.

bear in your mind,

that losing this game 

is not my intention!

on one fine day,

INSYAALLAH, 

we 

will 

be 

united.

AMIN.