road gangster

sekarang ni memandu membuat aku berfikir banyak sampai rasa otak 'overload'. sakit kepala dan sakit hati dengan pemandu tak berhemah.

senario 1:
aku terpaksa berfikir sama ada kereta di sebelah aku nak masuk ke lane aku atau tidak.
sebab nanti tiba2 je dia akan menyusup masuk ke lorong aku tanpa memberi isyarat.
grrrr,,,,,,, sangat geram OK!

senario 2:
saat aku sedang bahagia memandu di jalan utama, tiba2 ada sebuah kereta yang dari lorong kecil menyusup masuk ke jalan utama dan aku hampir terlanggar kereta dia!
hey, tak reti bersabar ke?

senario 3:
di sebuah roundabout kecil...
bukankah kita harus mengutamakan kereta di kanan? tapi kenapa banyak kereta main jalan je sampai aku terpaksa berhenti di tengah2 roundabout?

senario 4:
kereta lain blok kereta aku dan tak tinggalkan no phone. sangat sangat irresponsible!!!

senario 5:
parking di tengah2 jalan sedangkan ada banyak tempat kosong. kereta aku muat2 je nak lalu. teruk betul.

senario 6:
bawak 30km/jam di 'fast lane'. ape kes? kura2 aku pun lari lagi laju.

kadang- kadang tak kira bawak berhemah macam mana pun tapi kalau orang lain 'reckless' akan accident jugak.
sabar ajelah.
haish... buat aku mengeluh pagi2 je. 
maaf post ini sangat negatif.
lain kali cerita benda positif ok.

study? NO!!!!

it is not easy to be a doctor.
i had to admit it.
i enjoy working with patients.
i enjoy doing procedures.
but when too much referral i sometimes feel a bit stressed.
especially when people referred you things that you don't even know what to do.

someone asked me a lot of questions yesterday.
simple questions which i had learn but forgotten.

the truth is.....
i hate to study. i am not a person who likes to study.
for example, i have a book in front of me but i choose to blog instead.
i open a book for five seconds then i take my novel and read it for the tenth time.

i don't even know how i become a doctor!

"I am not going to tell you it's okay, you can go home and tell me the answer next week. No. You will become better with a gun pointed in your head. Am i right?" the person said cynically.
damn right you are.


i really should study now.
bye!

Row your boat

Sometimes people are too comfortable in one place that they stay. 

Even though they are not moving forward. 

One of my bestie said that she is proud of me. 

Finally i am making a change in my path.

For better or worst, only ALLAH knows.

Even though i didnt get what i really want, perhaps there is another meaning behind all of these events.

Lets hope and pray all the best for me.

For i am nervous yet excited that i do something beyond my comfortable zone. 

Lets row the boat and sail through a new journey! 

Should we really blame the mother?

I was looking at a bunch of girls singing and dancing happily.
The smallest one is perhaps only one and a half year old and was struggling to catch up with the other 2 girls with her small but quick baby steps.

The father was asking the mother something.
I was right next to the mother, who look at the girls and asked her husband "but what about the girls?"
Our gaze were transfixed to those girls.
"I can't decide" the mother said.
"Well, you need to decide now" the father said.
The mother was scratching her head while the father just stand there and let her decide by herself.
 I had no intention to eavesdrop, and I don't understand what they were talking about.
All I remember is that those girls are so happy that it is contagious!

After those girls are out of my view, I went back to my phone, 'facebook-ing' , a hobby that I was not too addicted as Instagram, but I was so bored that I just need to read something.
And then I saw Lola's name -again. There were articles that tells us her basic salary is RM 15++ and the comments followed are mostly rude and disrespectful.
Suddenly the thin-skeleton-like-boy's image, who everyone is talking about, appear in my mind.
I sighed.
Why on earth that there are too many bad mouthed malaysians?
I am glad that most of us still have humanity that we were so damn angry when we saw an image of Muhammad Firdaus in a dirty room with a cropped t- shirt.
OK, I agree that I am also furious.
Well, who doesn't?

But I don't even have a child.
I only have a 'Pou' which I have raised half way, then it makes me annoyed when he makes a sound while I was doing rounds. "Oh crap, now everyone knows that my pou is hungry" *sigh*

My point is that I had never raise a child with my own hands.
I can imagine how hard it is for a single mother to raise her children.
Yes, it is wrong of her to lock that child and left him unkempt.
BUT LET US PUT OURSELVES IN HER SHOE FOR A MINUTE AND THINK.
Are we strong enough to handle a gifted child like that?
If ALLAH give us a mentally or physically handicap child, will you take care of the child with all your heart?
.
.
.
.
.
If your answer is YES, then ALHAMDULILLAH :)
May our concern and humanity stays with us. AMIN. 

Anyway, after a few weeks, this issue will just dissolved. Those people who cursed will forget the whole t.hing and do nothing.
Just like we forgot that MH370 is still missing.
We also forgot that newspapers still haven't make an apology regarding their disrespectful article of my ex colleague who had passed away in Alor Gajah Hospital while on call.
(p.s. I remember him asking me why I was always mad at him. At that time I didn't know that he had a medical problem. I am sorry M***.)

Last but not least, I hope that the mother of three, Wardina, will reactivate her Instagram account again. I think she deactivate it just because she had mentioned that overseas government are more pro active in helping OKU's parents (which might be true).

Stop blaming each other, Malaysians. Focus on the problem, please.
Ask yourself, what can I do to help?

Let's make the world a better place, OK?
Now this is what not only doctor's can heal.

the tale of a tiger who wish to repent

Hye. it had been almost six months I left my blog untouched. 
work had been hectic and tiring. not just physically, but mentally as well.

you see, when you are a house officer, you just do what you are told to do.
but as a responsible medical officer in a surgical department, you need to:
1. re-clerk a patient's history
2. examine patient
3. think of a plan before patient is seen by a surgeon
4. guess whether a patient need a surgery or not (decision of operation can only be made by a surgeon, but you need to know what type of pt that need to be operated now, urgently, emergency or elective, or even may not need operation at all.
5. prepare patient for procedures or operation (ensure blood is taken, imaging etc)
6. do procedures (chest tube, pleural tapping, peritoneal tapping, central line insertions, intubating, cystofix, change ETT, .........)
7. teach houseman (sometimes u even had to teach them the most basic thing, but first posters sometimes had to be taught from A to Z).
8. when a patient collapse, you had to act as a team leader and conduct the resuscitation.
9. see patient in clinic and discuss with  either surgeon, radiologist or even pathologist regarding your patient (today one radiologist asked me to sit next to her and I am amazed of how humble she was when we discuss about a patient. she definitely had changed my previous perception of her!)
10. assist specialist operating. when I was a houseman I don't have any idea what my specialist is doing. Now I need to know the steps, the anatomy, instruments, close wounds and write the operation findings and steps. can I just go back into being a HO and just retract the wound, please?
11. refer cases. some people may scold you when you refer a case, but i hold on to what my boss said "some people may scold u but at least you do what your specialist asked you to do or what you think can help the patient" and "if you did not know how to manage, just refer!"

and many more...

truthfully, I still need to learn a lot.
sometimes i feel inadequate when i can't make a decision like my boss did. 
but then again, they are a specialist with lots of experience. 
their amazing skills makes me inferior.
and though I did not want to be a surgeon, i did feel comfortable in this department.
though my boss keep on asking me why I did not want to be a surgeon, and my answer is always the same "it is too difficult and the scope are too wide, la boss. I don't think I can be a surgeon"

Honestly, I am not a good doctor.
I pray every single morning that I won't scold houseman so much. 
I used to hate MO who are so damn impatient and always raise their voices. 
but it seems that I am becoming one of them too *sigh*
I even tear up a piece of paper and criticize my housemans. 
once, one houseman walk slowly in front of me like I am a tiger and I said to him "I know that I am so scary but I didn't eat human, OK?". then both of us laugh but he laugh so cowardly and said that I am indeed a scary MO.
oh my. what had I become?

my boss said that we were trained that way, and it is not our fault  to be like that.
I keep on telling myself that if I did not scold my HO they will not learn and thus will do a bad thing to our patients. but not all of them are bad, ok? some are reliable and may even tell me if I am wrong.

I may not be a good teacher. I may yell, scold and condemn HO. I know that I was once a HO too so I definitely know how they feel when they were scolded.

so to all housemans out there, forgive me for being impatient. forgive me for shouting at you in front of patients. forgive me for being so damn agitated.

we work for the sake of our patient. so let's strive to do more, okay?

p.s. I am leaving surgical department soon. finally I am free from my one year bond (which is exactly one year and 4months). Yay ! \(^o^)/

Hopefully I can pursue my dream at a new place and new environment. I am looking forward to a less stressful place so that I can be a better person and more skilled in my favorite department (which is definitely not surgical. I wonder how can someone be a surgeon. so many anatomies. so many regions. so many skills. wow. definitely not for me)

you can see that I have lot's of respect to surgeons, eyh?
yup, salute to surgeons. their work are simply amazing.

One day a patient was screaming, rolling on bed, that she even need a PCA fentanyl. The next day after a successful operation, she smiled happily and even request to go home!

A near death bleeding patient survived after a lengthy operation.

A patient who had underwent 4 major operations and was in ICU for many months, makes me shocked when he speaks and he can even walk home. (even  the GA MOs were shocked when I told them about the patient's progress!)

My uncle who was intubated due to respiratory distress, noted had a perforated diverticulum, operated, complicated with a wound breakdown, suffered a stroke as a post operation complication, is now working again and able to support his family.

Lots of cancer patients live like normal person after operation and chemotherapy.

A patient with sepsis so bad and she was so weak that we had inform D.I.L (death in line) to her family, is now pulling my bag when I was examining the patient next to her and showing me her black teeth and blabbing happily  (she is a psychiatric patient).

Those are only some of amazing things I have seen personally in this department.
Luckily, no  one who we said might be dying but somehow had survived, did not sue us.
ahaks.

I love my job. as crazy hectic depressing tiring as it is, this is my job, and I enjoy doing what I did =) 

Frozen heart (ARHJ Part 70)

I have tried to leave him for so many times...
There are even times where I have given up , totally thinking of moving on.

But one day, he told me that he is thankful that I have never give up on him.
I keep on pushing him cuz he is like a snail, who will never budge if I didnt push him.

Weirdly, he said that sometimes he think that he is cruel to me.
I used to think that he might not be aware of that.
Sometimes he makes my melting heart froze.
He even bled my heart slowly and excruciatingly in a sweet, agony way.
He had crushed my hope with his unusual reasons.
So, yeah. He IS cruel to me!

One day, he requested me to ask him why he couldn't leave me.
Truthfully, all I ever asked was why I still haven't leave him yet.
I've walked away so many times but somehow I will end up talking to him happily again.
This addiction is so damn contagious.
Oh, how I wish things are much easier! 

I keep on telling him that I am tired. 

I am sore.

I am beaten.

All "I" went out smoothly, resonating my vocal cord.

But did I ever think of his feeling? 

Perhaps I am too selfish. 

But never mind.

Despite of our rolling quarrels.

Our ups and down.

Our fight and joy.

Our laugh and cry.

We can't stand even one day without each other.

"Tunggulah. Suatu hari nanti aku akan penat" kata Fynn Jamal.

Aku di sini mengharapkan agar aku tidak akan pernah penat.