go away weakness

sometimes i think i'm cheating myself.
i smile, i laugh, i enjoy.
but there were times when i felt like something is missing.
something is not here.
and i don't even know what that 'something' is.

wait a minute....
i think i know what is not here.
i think i know where i had lost that 'something'.
and i think i know how i can get it back.
but my heart is like a black coal.
a hard, black coal covered with mud.

as tears began to fall on my keyboard.
i take myself into a deep journey into finding the true me.
but hey, i'm almost 23 years old!
too old to still finding my own soul, right?
but i can't even trust myself.
i can't even approve my own choice.
i can't make a decision that i really want.

my soul is raging, screaming, shouting for help.
and i ignore it. 

and you know what's the worst part of all?

the worst is that i put on a mask and act like nothing ever happened.

if only they know what lies beneath my skull.
if only they see the dirty linen beneath the heaps of clothes,
if only they realize that the plastic doll is not a genuine Barbie.

the path i had chosen is the right one.
but sometimes i still want to turn left.


who i really am?
i mean, who am i?
who is this girl?
i don't even know her now.
i don't know what she really is.
and i don't understand what exactly she wants.
*sigh


*people said that personality can change like the sands of the beach. and i agree.
now i don't even know what is my personality.
sometimes i'm strong, sometimes i'm weak.
and i hate it when i'm weak.

I HATE IT WHEN I'M WEAK!