in the midst of the loneliness

You know what? 

I think I’m such a hopeless romantic young woman 

(young woman, okay. Not a girl. Ehe~)
Right now I’m crying… yup, the sensitive girl cries again. Not something weird, actually.
This morning, I met an old friend and he said, “how come u r not active in FB anymore?”
I used to write sentimental FB status about my broken heart and my poor life. 

But then I stop. 

i stop not because I’m happy or because I have found some ‘glow’ in my life. 

I stop because I think I’m so damn pathetic, and I don’t need people to feel sympathy anymore. 

Or maybe because i think people really had stop to care about how broken my heart is. 

Or maybe because i think that they had become so damn bored to hear my ‘keluh kesah’ and were desperately wishing to tell me to ‘stop complaining and GET A LIFE!’

 
Ok, I haven’t told you why I am crying. 

I cry because of a book. 

No, actually the reason of these tears is not because of the book, but because of the content of the book entitled DIVORTIARE, by Ika Natassa.
It’s about a divorcee who still thinks about her ex and can’t open up to new relationship, which reminds me of myself, except that I haven’t married yet. Ngeh3. 

p.s. in case u wanna know.... the guy that i will never forget is a very charismatic malaysian guy who had fooled me. at dat time, i really2 love him so much that i wanna marry him.but he's gone for good now =p
But that is not the point. I love the story, and the words. 

One of my fav part is when Lex said  

“it’s like having my guardian angel who would do anything to protect me and to make me happy, you know?”  

She was talking about her ex husband. That is so sweet, you know - The feeling of being loved and loving somebody. To have someone who would do anything for you… but then when everything vanished, you’d wish you have amnesia.

 
I wish I have amnesia. My fav statement is “I wish I could cut the part of my brain that contains the memory of you” which I took from a book entitled “Perempuan Simpanan”

Sebenarnya, aku takut untuk jatuh cinta lagi. Kerna menurut Ika Natassa “kita hanya bisa disakiti oleh orang yang kita cintai”

Oh my. I’m so down right now. And this month people kept asking me about my ex. Yup, my ex who had left me eight months ago. He’s in the same department with me now, with his gf. And we are like some strangers who have never been introduced. I don’t love him anymore, but people ignored that since I’m still single. I feel like I wanna scream- Just because I’m single doesn’t meant that I can’t get over my ex, okay! 

 
I do like someone after I broke up with my ex bf. He’s very funny, tidak terlalu handsome tapi mata sepetnya sangat seksi bila dia senyum, and easy going. But he refuses to see me anymore. And he got a gf now. 

Sh*t I’m crying again. Damn! I hate this feeling!

I hate to admit that I’m lonely. And I hate to hear people say “Be patient. The right guy will come sooner or later”
Stop telling me that bullsh*t! Stop judging me and stop reassure me!

Please take note that I write this not because I need your advice. I’m just telling you what I feel. (Okay, see how arrogant I am?)

 
Actually, I hate to hear people giving me advises because it hurts to hear something that you already know, but you can’t accept. And it hurts to feel ‘serba salah’ to cry about relationship when you know that you should focus on your study. 

Argh… these tears is clouding my vision! Maybe I should stop now before I write something more stupid than this.

Dear tears, could you please stop invading my beautiful face?

Entah mengapa,
jantungku terasa sakit saat aku menulis ini.
Kenapa harus manusia punya perasaan?
Dan kenapa harus hati aku selalu disakiti?
Dan kenapa aku harus sesentimental ini?

written on : 30th of April 2010, 12pm