a secret i wish no one knows

today, i realize that the thumping thing inside my ribcage is still bleeding slowly... so slow that i did not know it never heals. it hurts my soul and signals my eyes to well with tears. i feel something deep... so deep that it slits the muscle of my heart.
I've felt this before.... but i thought it had gone... i thought i have treated it by busying my life with chores and books..
but yet the pain come again...
and i had to write this to let it out,
so that i can continue focusing on my study
because tomorrow a brilliant professor will test my knowledge about Internal Medicine...
and i had to be very polite yet intelligent to pass the exam.
yeah, i must do my best tomorrow.....
but sometimes..
as i sat alone in my room....
or as i read the story of lovely couples enjoying every moment they were together....
the ache fills the chamber of my heart again....
and a question that did not have any answer buzz my cerebrum sooooooooooo much that i feel like i wanna open up my skull and find the place in my brain that contain the memory of him to scrub it away...
i wonder...
WHY, OH WHY?
it is very hard....
to forget him?

testing

Hrmmm...

kasih ibu

kadang,
kata2 agak kudung
untuk mengungkapkan sesuatu yang indah.
makanya,
aku persembahkan lirik lagu 'Kasih Ibu'
dan cebisan memori aku dan Mama
untuk berbicara
mengenai insan yang sangat kucintai ini

Kasih ibu,
kepada beta

tak terhingga sepanjang masa
*courtesy of LirikLaguIndonesia.net
Hanya memberi,
tak harap kembali,
Bagai sang surya,
menyinari dunia.

harusnya ini dipost saat Hari Ibu yang lalu, betul x? hrmmm tp mase hari ibu aku cuma hantar sms..... sigh...... dan yang membuat aku terfikir untuk menulis ini adalah kerana insidens berikut.
malam minggu lalu, saat jaga UGD a.k.a ER, ada seorang pesakit yang masuk ke rumah sakit sendiri!!!!!!!!!!
suatu hal yang agak susah, kerana tiada siapa yang boleh ambilkan ubat, menguruskan jaminan, bawa dia ke toilet dan membelikan makanan untuk dia. sangat kasihan......
apabila kami menelefon anaknya, antara kata2 anaknya ialah;
'biarlah dia di situ',
'argh, dia hanya mahukan perhatian',
dan
'begini dokter, dia hanya demam kerana tidak pernah mandi'
ASTAGFIRULLAHALAZIM!
teganya hati perempuan itu membiarkan orang tuanya yang telah bersusah payah membesarkan dia menderita sendirian di Rumah Sakit!
lebih malang, pesakit itu terjatuh saat tidur, hingga kepala dan bahunya bengkak. wajah tuanya sayu melihat kami, yang dalam kesibukan mengurus pesakit lain, masih sempat menghulurkan tangan untuk membantu tubuh kerdilnya yang sudah lemah sekali......

aku 'post' entry ini sebagai peringatan kepada kalian dan juga untuk aku sendiri,
ingatlah,
apapun terjadi, janganlah sesekali melukai hati kedua ibubapa
''Ya ALLAH, jauhkanlah kami dari menderhakai ibubapa kami......''
aminnn.

he's da one

today, as i look at the calendar, a flashback of images flood my brain.....
i saw an image of me, standing between the front seats of babah's red Lancer, looking to a small creature on mama's lap. me and babah had come to the hospital to pick u and mama. that time, i looked at the hospital, and then i looked at you. then, i asked mama "did u take it from there?" with an innocent look while my finger showing to da hospital.
yeah, dat was what i have asked mama. i was only three at that time, and it was the first moment we met.
there are also another moments with you dat i couldn't shake off my head.
while i was a very talkative kid, u were always silent. but somehow, your hands weren't as 'silent' as your mouth. one day, when i was five years old, i was freaked to see u alone in my room, surrounded with shredded colourful papers. you had torn my kindergarden books!!!!! i was so mad...................... but all you do is just smiled sheepishly.... sigh....

few years went by......
and when i looked back at out picture together when we were kids,

i said to myself............
from now on i can't call u my little brother anymore...
cuz u see,

you had become taller than me!

to my younger brother....

as life pass by,
many heavy obstacles will block your path.
but i think that u didn't need physical strength to move forward.
u have an intelligent mind,
and i hope u use it da right way to become
someone who can change the world to be a better place.
you may think what i've said is a cliche. but i do think dat is possible.

and last but not least......

HAPPY 19th BIRTHDAY, ARIEFF!!!!!

pingu tomey.....

pingu teman sy belajar sampai mata dier jd juling........
hahaha....
chaiyok2, ainul!!!!!!
hari rabu minggu depan akan diundi sekali lagi untuk ujian interna.
i must do my best!

swinging around the swine flu issue

hari ni menarik!
ada kuliah mengenai Swine Flu. bahagian Interna ada kuliah setiap hari isnin, rabu, khamis dan sabtu. sesuatu yang menarik kerana biasanya para residen membentangkan 'death case' dan 'case' yang ditangani mereka lengkap dari anamnesis sampai diskusi mengenai bagaimana perjalanan penyakit dan pengubatan. terus terang, kadang2 bosan je. tapi dengan cara itu para dokter bahagian interna dapat 'up to date' dan takdelah otak diaorang 'berkarat' dengan ilmu yang dah lapuk. dunia perubatan sentiasa berubah, dan adalah salah besar jika anda mahu jadi dokter tapi benci belajar. ok, sekurang2nya anda haruslah menjadi seorang yang penyibuk. ya, dokter memang seorang yang penyibuk. pertama kali pesakit datang, macam2 dia kena tanye. polis pun kalah! huhu. dari makan ape sampai buang air, semua dia tanye. haishhss.. tapi kalau tak menyibuk macam tu macam mane nak rawat pesakit. betul tak???????? 90% diagnosis dapat ditegakkan hanya dengan anamnesis (anamnesis tu maksud dia tanya2 tu lah).
ok, kenapa hari ini aku kate menarik? sebab masa kuliah hari ini terasa macam aku ni pelakon cerita 'HOUSE M.D.'. hahahahahaha...... pandemi swine flu yang berlaku menyedarkan aku, aku tak boleh 'kaku' dalam belajar. perubatan adalah suatu seni..... seni dalam mendiagnosa dan mengubati pesakit. terus terang. aku baru baca mengenai swine flu dan 'stem cell research' dua hari yang lepas. ya. aku ni memang tak acuh pada hal begitu sebelum ini. dua hari lepas aku baru sedar aku tidak boleh hanya belajar untuk ujian. aku harus berubah. dan aku tidak menyesal, kerana hari ini saat kuliah mengenai 'swine flu' itu, aku tidak terasa bodoh atau tidak berguna, kerana aku telah membaca mengenainya. sempat juga aku membuka internet di HP dan meng'google' 'swine flu' saat para dokter lagi membincangkan pandemi itu.
hari ini aku rasa ada perubahan besar pada diri aku. dan aku berharap agar aku terus lebih baik dari semalam.
aku tidak mahu bercerita panjang mengenai 'swine flu'. anda boleh baca di sini dan banyak lagi website yang dapat membantu anda memahami penyakit yang sudah pun ada di Malaysia.

kalian sudah baca mengenai 'stem cell research' ini? anda harus baca jika anda seorang yang prihatin mengenai pengguguran kandungan atau lebih dikenali sebagai pembunuhan bayi di kalangan para aktivis yang membangkang kajian ini.

selamat membaca!

kenapa kamu masih tidak mengerti?

aku abaikan kamu bukan kerana aku sudah senang. aku masih ada masalah. dan aku masih ada kegusaran dan kegundahan di lubuk hati aku. cuma aku tidak mahu lagi berkongsi itu dengan kamu. aku masih mahu menjadi kawan kamu. tapi kamu mahu lebih dari teman. dan aku tidak bisa berikan itu untuk kamu. aku mahu fokus, dan kamu juga ada tanggungjawab terhadap bakal isteri kamu.
aneh ya. sebelum ini kamu tidak seperti ini. setelah aku ditinggalkan lelaki itu kamu mulai seperti diserang badai cinta. dan logikkah, kamu yang mahu menikah tidak lama lagi, meminta aku menjadi isteri kedua kamu?!?!?!

aku tidak mahu kamu cari aku. kamu mmg ptt membenci aku.

you've overstepped the border, my friend. and that changes everything.

AKU TIDAK AKAN MENULIS DALAM BAHASA INGGERIS LAGI.
SEKARANG KAMU TIDAK ADA ALASAN UNTUK MEMBACA BLOG AKU LAGI.
noktah.

aku bukan untukmu

saat silau matahari menerangi bumi di waktu siang,

aku bukan milik kamu.

saat sinar rembulan menyuluh kegelapan malam,

aku tetap bukan kau yang miliki.

berilah hati kamu untuk si dia.

sucikanlah masjid yang akan kau bina tidak lama lagi.

kerana dia yang layak,

untuk menerima sekeping hati yang kau persembahkan untuk aku.

aku bukan untukmu, sahabatku.

tolong mengerti itu

medical dilemma

ok people!
i wanna talk about medicine now. so if u r sleepy it's best u find a pillow than reading this. hehe. ok so the story goes like this...
i was searching for my 'ponstan' a.k.a. mefenamic acid, which is an analgesic (painkiller). my cavities r getting bigger2 bigger. very damn painful...sigh.... but i couldn't find my ponstan anywhere. then i saw some paracetamol. since i was small, paracetamol is only used when i got fever. but when i go to MRSM, there's a government clinic there dat gve paracetamol to every outpatient! yeah, weird rite. there was once where my senior who was so heart broken (because of puppy love) and he ate 12 panadol with a coke! then he immediately fell unconscious. funny things people do when their heart broke into pieces.... iskiskisk....back to the paracetamol, it is not only for fever, ok! it can alse be used for simple headache, and pain.. but we seldom use paracetamol for pain, right?
sometimes when patient complaint of fever or pain, and we prescribe paracetamol, they said 'if u just gave this then y did we was admitted?'
most of treatment we gave are only 'to make them at ease', and symptomatic. means we just treat what the disease had caused, not the real 'troublemaker'.
but the thing is, most of the treatment available are either too expensive or not available at Makassar.
for example, cirhosis, there is no treatment except liver transplant... but sadly no such operation exist here. but even if they do have the operation, it would be too expensive.
sometimes, patients got too frustrated. they always become sicker and sicker at hospital, and blames the doctors.. that makes us frustrated too. we were so damn happy if our patients got well. i still remember one patient, Mr. A, who was almost dead. then, he was taken to the ICU, and i dunno what happened to him. a few weeks after that, i saw him at Internal Medicine ward, and he gave me a very wide smile! oh, i feel like i wanna cry! his wife, who always chat with me, also seems very happy. she said her husband can go home the next day. it is an exhilarating moment for me, though i am not da one who treated him. hello, i'm still a student, ok...

oklah, dats all for tonight. tomorrow i'm gonna start my day at Internal Medicine department again...
wish me luck!

keputusan muktamad

minggu depan masuk interna kembali..
lalala

hujan yang turun

sekarang tengah hujan
sudah lama tidak hujan di sini
sekian lama aku tak menghirup bau hujan, dan merasakan ketenangan saat air turun membasahi tanah gersang bumi Makassar.
tapi selalu saat hujan, mesti rasa lapar. hihihi

hari ini aku sangat2 sibuk. awal pagi tadi, aku pergi pejabat di fakulti untuk ambil surat kebenaran mengulang ujian dan surat untuk memasuki bahagian radiologi. rencanaku, minggu depan aku mahu masuk bahagian radiologi.
bahagian yang menurut org paling boring dalam dunia
tapi oleh kerana hanya dua orang sahaja yg mendaftar, makanya kami tidak diterima
kenapa tak beritahu awal2? sabar je lah.
ini kali kedua aku di'reject' untuk masuk bahagian radiologi. dahulu, aku ditolak kerana dalam minggu itu hanya ada dua hari bekerja sahaja. sekarang ini. sebab dua org sahaja yang nak masuk, aku kena 'reject' lagi.
......sigh....
dokter di bahagian radiologi suruh aku masuk bahagian tersebut pada minggu lagi satu. masalahnye, minggu depan nanti nak buat ape? takkan nak termanggu2 kat bilik sorang2?
kawan2 aku dah pesan supaya selesaikan Interna dulu, baru masuk bahagian lain. tapi sebenarnya, kalau masuk Radiologi dulu, boleh belajar Interna lebih banyak dan memantapkan ilmu Interna aku. cuma daripada minggu depan aku termenung kat bilik sorg2 dan fikir macam2, lebih baik aku kuatkan semangat dan masuk bahagian Interna balik. betul tak? betul2!
malam ini aku mahu cuba bertemu gabenor koas Interna dan mohon untuk memasuki bahagian tersebut minggu depan. harap2 kali ini tidak ada masalah. kenapalah semua tak berjalan lancar? be strong, Ainul!
rasa aneh menulis dalam bahasa Melayu yang baku. macam baca surat rasmi. hahaha. aku takut bahasa Melayu aku rosak. aku ni terlalu sering menulis dalam bahasa rojak atau bahasa Inggeris, dicampur dengan bahasa Indonesia... fuh... rosak bahasa aku.

pesan penaja: cintailah bahasa Melayu.....

a new chapter in my life

since last few weeks, I've tried to open a new book in my life, but I've failed. My gloomy days were filled with tears and fake smiles. I think 'cengeng' is a good word to describe me. i am such a cry baby.
come on la, gurl...
u r 21 now!
n going to be 22 in 2 months..
u should be more matured!!!

i'm a very secretive girl. i seldom share my problems with someone. and even if i do, i didn't tell them everything. why? because there's a dark part in me dat i wish i can scrub away. and there's a part of my brain that i wanted to slice up with a scalpel.
but those two things are impossible.
and i had to learn to live with those heart breaking memories. i had to admit that those problems makes me more matured and stronger.
i think... or maybe not.. sigh.........

someone tell me that i am not matured in love. cuz i tend to choose the wrong guy. but who the hell in this world are matured enough about love? we never saw it coming, and we never programmed our heart to beat so fast when we saw someone we love, right?
at school people always said don't ever 'couple' while u r still a student. at university, if u never ever have a boyfriend, then u are such a 'wallflower'. a doctor even tell me that i mustn't wait to find my spouse after i finish my study. she said if not I'm going to be too 'old' to marry. oh really?
my best friend had just married a few months ago.
i asked her 'why marry when u r still young?"
she said 'not too young, lah. I'm 23 now.'
when i think of it, even my mum marry when she is around my age now. but that was twenty years ago.
in this century, i think there is no limit to say we are too old too marry. but not fifty years old. hihi. that is wayyyyyyyyyyyyyy too old!
i think it's OK to marry at thirty years old. but then i would be too old to conceive. a thirty five years old womb is not a strong and good 'baby maker', OK!
after my recent broke up, i don't want to think about marriage anymore till i finish my study. it's only one year more to go. but one year is quite a long time. sometimes I'm scared to look forward. looking at tougher departments ahead, i feel scared. my only motivation is, if my seniors can go through it, then so do i.
i look strong, but actually I'm very weak. i hate to make people look at me as if I'm vulnerable, but yet, dats how I've always felt. there are so many possibilities in life, and i always choose the hard one cuz i want to be spotted. i want to be famous and i want to be 'seen'.
i did not want to be an ordinary person
there's something stirring in my blood that crave for attention.
but sometimes, i try to shrink those feelings and end up being a nobody. so i dunno my destination is da famous ARY or the unknown ARY. nah, that's not my problem now.

my problem now is how i can get through this passage with flying colors.
so i come up with many solutions
first, i want to be more closer to ALLAH. I've sinned too much that sometimes i couldn't even forgive myself.
second, I've changed my study area. I'll show u my new study place later, it's so comfy!
third, if i like any guy, i will not think about future with him. I'll just follow the flow of life.
falling in love is such a beautiful feeling. sometimes i feel i should block my heart and accept nobody no more, but i'm an adult now (OMG... an adult? i don't even feel like one) and it's not wrong to like someone, right? it makes me dress properly and talk nicer. haha....

i don't even know what i exactly wanna say in this entry. i just type anything that cross my mind. and i just ignore the grammar mistakes. i think i think too much. i should not think about what I've write before in this entry.
i mean, i should just focus on my study now.
but for an unknown reason, i do feel a lot better after i write this.
now i am clear about my new chapter in life.
i know my priorities now,
and i should not think about my destination now.
i should set my foot on earth,
not floating around clouds of unknown possibilities.
and last but not least,
i think i can open a new book in my life after all.
hooray!!!
congrats, Ainul!

menangislah

lirik lagu kumpulan Firdaus yang berjudul 'menangislah di bahuku' ini sangat2 mendalam
renungkanlah
menangislah....
kerana manusia terlalu sombong untuk menangis
lalu untuk apa air mata telah dicipta?
bukan hanya bahagia yang ada di dunia
menangislah........

mengulang bahagian interna?

semalam ujian, aku disuruh menceritakan keadaan patient dr A to Z
bkn seperti di status, tp harus sesuai dengan keluhan utama pesakit
aku agak shock, tp saat itu masih cool dan dpt jwb dengan baik
tapi ada satu part aku stuck
dan dokter suruh balik belajar lagi

hari ni,
ujian lagi
dan hasilnya........
aku kena ulang interna selama seminggu, dan ujian semula dengan penguji lain.

aku masih ingat macam mana aku hampir menangis, dan akhirnya aku betul2 menangis pada saat2 terakhir

tidak tahu mahu salahkan siapa
mahu salahkan diri sendiri,
tapi aku bukannya tak belajar
kalau aku belajar gila2 pun aku xkan dapat jwb,
sbb aku stuck pada soalan yg sangat2 tak terduga

aku manusia
bukan robot
aku tak bisa menghafal semua
dan......
kadang2 aku boleh terlupa
masalahnya kenapa aku lupa sesuatu yg penting pada saat2 genting?

pg td nanes smpai dah xlrt
pastu g jln2 ngan syira
mlm kemas bilik yg mcm tongkang pecah gara2 aku sibuk studi smpai asik mkn megi dan xkisah bj xlipat berterabur atas karpet

skrg aku hanya mampu berserah
aku tahu,
pasti ada hikmah di sebalik semua ini

i must look forward

finding my strength back

lagu ini menemaniku study dr pg sampai ptg!
huhu
tak bosan cuz his voice is great n makes me remind that i can't be a weak girl



Joeniar Arief - Rapuh

Kau tak tahu betapa rapuhnya aku
Bagai lapisan tipis air yang beku
Sentuhan lembut kan hancurkan aku

Walaupun cinta tak sempurna
Menghampiriku seketika
Ku ingin kau tahu betapa rapuhnya aku

Reff:
Kau tak tahu betapa rapuhnya aku
Masih terasa luka dimasa lalu
Ku pernah mencintai sepenuh hati
Namun cinta itu pergi lagi

Dan ku terluka luka membekas
Bekas membuat buat selamanya
Selamanya ku
Ku 'kan selalu.....
Ku 'kan selalu rapuh

Kau ingin tunjukkan kepada dunia
Tak hanya ada karena masa lalu
Tapi masih ada harapan bagi yang baru

Kau tawarkanku sejuta harapan
Namun kenangan itu tak pernah hilang
Ku ingin kau tahu betapa rapuhnya aku

Back to Reff:

Kau datang bagai hujan
Basahi tanah hati
Tapi kau lihat sendiri luka ini

a sms that change everything

pagi ni my dad sms me and asked me to read his comment on my blog
it makes me cried so hard
i feel guilty to my parents
actually, i've made the decision to be a doctor myself.
i had to admit it...
but i always made myself thinks that i never wanted to be a doctor..
why?
cuz the reality hurts

i always dream to be a doctor, and opens a bakery shop next to my hospital
yeah, not a clinic
perhaps i dream too big dat i barely set my foot on earth

i feel so guilty to everyone
i don't know what i can say

i don't even know why i become like this

i'm sorry babah and mama

ok, from now on,
i will focus
and i'll never let both of u down

dah....
jangan kacau aku,
aku nak belaja...
esok nnti akan diundi penguji...
just pray i get a good doctor..


i've always told myself

aku harus introspeksi diri aku

i've always wanted to be a successful woman

go away stupid problems!
i hate you
you bring me nothing but trouble...







first thing first,
i need to think positive
ok, ainul....
medicine is not hard
i can always be happy if i become a doctor
doctors are not too busy with their life
doctors can also have a great life

okies?

dah..
gi studi cepat!

i won't online anymore till i exam.
c u again after my exam..
bubye.. n wish me luck!

depresi yang menyelimuti aku

lame x update
ade post beberapa entries tp dah delete
aku ni seolah2 lupa kenapa aku nk jadi doktor
aku ni seolah2 hilang arah
aku tak busy
bahagian interna sangatlah rileks
sangat santai
tapi aku ni yang ngade2
mcm2 mslh aku dpt
kering dah air mata aku menangis
aku nk tulis dlm blog, tp nnti ade yg sibuk tanye
"kenapa aku tak bahagia"
atau
"u ckp about me, ke? ok.. i understand"
pdhl aku ckp psl org lain..
br aku sdar hati aku terlalu banyak dilukai
terlalu banyak aku menangis
dan aku tak sampai hati nak tulis kt sni sebab aku taknak ada yang terluka
tp salahkah aku?
salah siapa sampai aku jd mcm ni?
salah aku gak
aku tak sangke mereka masih bace blog aku...
ade yg call aku tanya cmne kabar aku...
sbb tgk blog aku dah lame tak update
aku terharu...
tp mereka juga antara yang pernah melukai aku
dan mereka juga yg banyak membantu aku
ah.....
aku tak taulah!
aku nk exam ni.....
tp siang g hospital, aku blaja sket2.. lg bnyk main internet n game kt hp
kat blik aku tido
sumpah aku tak belaja!
aku asyik nak tido
produktivitas aku menurun
aku tahu semua salah aku
tp mcm mna ni?
aku tiba2 berfikir,
betulke aku nak jadi doktor???
ahhh.. kenapa dilema ini menghurungi kepala aku??
aku dah thn keempat ni!
aku suke bile patient sembuh
aku suke dunia yg penuh seni merawat manusia
tp aku seolah2 lelah dengan semua ini..
aku penat...
aku nak sesuatu tp aku takleh dapat
aku xtau ape jd kt aku melainkan...
aku depresi......