a new chapter in my life

since last few weeks, I've tried to open a new book in my life, but I've failed. My gloomy days were filled with tears and fake smiles. I think 'cengeng' is a good word to describe me. i am such a cry baby.
come on la, gurl...
u r 21 now!
n going to be 22 in 2 months..
u should be more matured!!!

i'm a very secretive girl. i seldom share my problems with someone. and even if i do, i didn't tell them everything. why? because there's a dark part in me dat i wish i can scrub away. and there's a part of my brain that i wanted to slice up with a scalpel.
but those two things are impossible.
and i had to learn to live with those heart breaking memories. i had to admit that those problems makes me more matured and stronger.
i think... or maybe not.. sigh.........

someone tell me that i am not matured in love. cuz i tend to choose the wrong guy. but who the hell in this world are matured enough about love? we never saw it coming, and we never programmed our heart to beat so fast when we saw someone we love, right?
at school people always said don't ever 'couple' while u r still a student. at university, if u never ever have a boyfriend, then u are such a 'wallflower'. a doctor even tell me that i mustn't wait to find my spouse after i finish my study. she said if not I'm going to be too 'old' to marry. oh really?
my best friend had just married a few months ago.
i asked her 'why marry when u r still young?"
she said 'not too young, lah. I'm 23 now.'
when i think of it, even my mum marry when she is around my age now. but that was twenty years ago.
in this century, i think there is no limit to say we are too old too marry. but not fifty years old. hihi. that is wayyyyyyyyyyyyyy too old!
i think it's OK to marry at thirty years old. but then i would be too old to conceive. a thirty five years old womb is not a strong and good 'baby maker', OK!
after my recent broke up, i don't want to think about marriage anymore till i finish my study. it's only one year more to go. but one year is quite a long time. sometimes I'm scared to look forward. looking at tougher departments ahead, i feel scared. my only motivation is, if my seniors can go through it, then so do i.
i look strong, but actually I'm very weak. i hate to make people look at me as if I'm vulnerable, but yet, dats how I've always felt. there are so many possibilities in life, and i always choose the hard one cuz i want to be spotted. i want to be famous and i want to be 'seen'.
i did not want to be an ordinary person
there's something stirring in my blood that crave for attention.
but sometimes, i try to shrink those feelings and end up being a nobody. so i dunno my destination is da famous ARY or the unknown ARY. nah, that's not my problem now.

my problem now is how i can get through this passage with flying colors.
so i come up with many solutions
first, i want to be more closer to ALLAH. I've sinned too much that sometimes i couldn't even forgive myself.
second, I've changed my study area. I'll show u my new study place later, it's so comfy!
third, if i like any guy, i will not think about future with him. I'll just follow the flow of life.
falling in love is such a beautiful feeling. sometimes i feel i should block my heart and accept nobody no more, but i'm an adult now (OMG... an adult? i don't even feel like one) and it's not wrong to like someone, right? it makes me dress properly and talk nicer. haha....

i don't even know what i exactly wanna say in this entry. i just type anything that cross my mind. and i just ignore the grammar mistakes. i think i think too much. i should not think about what I've write before in this entry.
i mean, i should just focus on my study now.
but for an unknown reason, i do feel a lot better after i write this.
now i am clear about my new chapter in life.
i know my priorities now,
and i should not think about my destination now.
i should set my foot on earth,
not floating around clouds of unknown possibilities.
and last but not least,
i think i can open a new book in my life after all.
hooray!!!
congrats, Ainul!